GARNETT: KNEE STRAIN - OUT

SCALABRINE: LOSS OF APPETITE - OUT

PEDROIA: WBC-ITUS - OUT

YOUKILIS: HYPER-EXTENDED MIDDLE FINGER - OUT

STEPHON MARBURY: TEMPORARY LOSS OF BASKETBALL ABILITY - SUCKS

JULIO LUGO: SWOLEN VAGINA - OUT

RAY ALLEN: SNAKEBITE TO THE FACE - OUT

LEON POWE: OMINOUS TORNADO BEATING - OUT

TONY ALLEN: THUMBS EXPLODED WITH HINDENBERG - OUT

TOM BRADY: TORN ARM SOCKET IN FORTHCOMING MONKEY ATTACK ON BOSTON

DEAR BOSTON SPORTS,
GET WELL SOON.

Love,
Brent

Well, I don’t think anyone saw this coming. It seems like an act of desperation out of Buffalo, a city whose concentrated base fans are probably feeling this recession just as hard as anyone else. The cold reality of upstate New York sets in- Jim Kelly ain’t walking through that door, Thurman Thomas ain’t walking through that door and Robert Parish sure as shit ain’t walking through that door. Signing T.O. will definitely make things interesting when the Pats play the Bills twice a year, but ultimately is this a gamechanger for the suffering AFC East franchise? The prospect of a healthy Trent Edwards having multiple deep options in Lee Evans and now Owens is threatening, especially if they’re able to spread the field for Marshawn Lynch to fill out little Dicky Jauron’s offensive scheme. But T.O.s track record is just too ludicrous for the common fan to be duped into thinking anything other than clubhouse cancer, therefore let the Bills sell a few more jerseys- Ralph Wilson needs a new pair of shoes (…literally).

I will miss Vrabel. He was one of the coolest, smarmiest linebackers to ever grace Patriots football. I remember the time he covered his face and bitched out Felger during a interview because Mike was coughing in the locker room two days before a game. That guy fit in perfectly for eight prime years, and kicked lunchpail ass every Sunday. Losing veterans sucks.

I just wrapped a web pilot- it was a lot of work but fun as hell!

So the Pats miss the playoffs in heartbreaking fashion, and the spoiler Dolphins can’t even pay their respects by making it past the first round.

Tonight the Celtics lost to the Knicks by 12, extending their current losing skid to four out of the last five games. The bench is suffering through an identity crisis.

If that ain’t smelly enough, the Sox plan to stay pretty damn docile heading towards spring training, and they might be entering Fort Myers with an even shakier lineup since last played.

…AT LEAST THE DAMN BRUINS ARE STILL TEARING NEW ASSHOLES! JEESH!!!

As the local teams take a quick nap early 2009, I plan to follow suit and take a brief hiatus from the site.

I’m spending a great deal of time producing a Boston sports web project and the next 6 weeks are completely dedicated to its success. Trust me, it will be something to call home about when all’s said and done.

So be well, I’ll probably chime in here and there to let you know how things are going in Production!!

The holidays came and went, and all I got for Christmas was a toilet-full of embarrassing sports defeats.

The state of New York did what it could to shit all over Boston’s merriment this week by delivering ego blows to all major franchises.

The first hammer dropped with the Yanks hijacking Mark Teixiera earlier in the week from the Sox in the 11th hour after negotiations got sticky between John Henry and Super-Agent / world-class D-bag Scott Boras.

So the Sox are screwed because the only free agent slugger of merit left is the un-signable child-like schizophrenic they fired midseason. The Yankees cockblock their rivals in signing their third superstar in one hell of a megaopoly offseason that has now witnessed three-quarters of a BILLION dollars in franchise spending. I personally am embarrassed for American sports when you have this gross display of greed in the middle of a global financial crisis. Hemmoraging moneys certainly isn’t good for the league, let alone every other major sport. I have heard from multiple inside sources that 2009 will see a lot of potential small-market franchises facing bankruptcy. We could be looking at leagues comprised of a mere 10 teams spread far and wide across our crumbling nation.

New York spending is such bullshit, they mind as well be their own damn league - The NYJO (New York Jerk Offs)

The Cs break their 19-game winning streak with a loss in LA on Christmas Day. Kobe and his band of European perimeter punks fed off the crowd’s intensity during a game that simply meant more to the bridesmaids of the 07-08 finals. The Celts weren’t exactly going to win out the rest of the season, and all that truly matters is homefield advantage come postseason. This one woulda been a nice Christmas gift, but instead we get this nice lump of shit in our stockings- Santa was going to give us coal but had to improvise due to energy cutbacks.

And if that wasn’t enough, we then had to suffer through a unnaturally windy Sunday. Bill and the Pats held up their end of the bargain by beating Buffalo and the elements 13-0, closing out the resilient ‘08 season with an impressive 11-5 record.

The winds were swirling like I’ve never seen in professional sports, and Belichick coached one of the finest performances of his career to manipulate the conditions to his favor. Both teams relied on the running game to move the ball, yet New England’s backfield met the challenge.

So for about three hours after the victory, New England fans kept their budding playoff hopes alive…

That is until old man noodle-arm and Eric “Fredo” Mangini let up to Miami, crushing any hopes of Patriots football in January. They could have played for pride, and probably should have for their jobs- instead they opt for the season-ending defeat to prohibit their hated division rivals from a playoff berth of their own.

So even when New York loses, we lose.

And the mildly-upsetting factor to the equation is that, major injuries aside, these guys really seemed to click down the stretch, giving you the feeling that if they could somehow squeak into a wild card game, they could be damn dangerous underdogs. I just wasn’t ready for no-more football after such a strong end of season. Still consider this season a gigantic success- 11-5 is a playoff record virtually every year, and you did it with a bunch of backups and half-dead old guys. Kudos to Belichick and staff, to Cassel, to Randy acting the role, Wes and Gostkowski earning their way to Hawaii…a lot of non-sexy but still impressive aspects to this topsy-turvy season, too bad it had to end on such a queer note.

So I’m back in LA after a lightening-quick trip home for the holidays. It was a great week spent with family and friends, the only thing I could have done without was all those sports crotch-shots from old Saint Nick. Thanks a lot fatass.

I may have dogged the goon during the early part of this season, but at this point I have nothing but respect for Matt Cassel.

In the midst of dealing with his father’s death, Matt returned to practice late in the week, and turned in a memorable performance to lead the Patriots past the Oakland Raiders, 49-26.

Cassel went 18-30 for 218 yards, completing a career-high 4 TDs and 1 pick. This game was essentially over midway through the first quarter when the offense ambushed the sagging Raiders-D for a quick 21 points. In fact, Matty and a sound running game led the squad to four straight touchdowns on their first four possessions. Oakland was able to put up random points in the second half, but at that point the game was essentially in the bag- garbage pail points if you will.

AKA Oakland’s man scheme

The running game was huge today- 39 carries for 277 yards, the most put up by New England since ‘85. Sammy Morris had 117 yards, 1 TD, and ex-Raider LaMont Jordan had his biggest day as a Patriot with 97 yards and a TD. With Sammy, LaMont and Kev healthy and clickin’ in the backfield, this offense has the potential to be lethal no matter who they play.

The receiving core jumped in on the fun, headlined by Randy Moss and his two touchdown receptions. Extra special for Randy and LaMont as they up their former employer in that shithole, the Oakland Coliseum. Randy was covered all night by the touted Oakland corner Nnamdi Asomugha, who going into the game only saw 14 TOTAL PASSES thrown at him all season. But Randy and the Pats were ready to tare the guy a new asshole, and they threw at him all day long. It was great to see Randy in the Crapholiseum pointing to his jersey in the endzone to remind everyone who they were dealing with.

And how can a franchise possibly be successful in a stadium filled with negative, potentially dangerous fans and a miserable, not to mention senile control freak in owner Al Davis?? I’m pretty sure that Al died 6 years ago- his shriveled, dead corpse is kept alive by the virile juices of former head coaches. Why do you think they’ve gone through 7 in 5 years?

Uncle Al’s Corpse’s annual Christmas card

Welker jumped in on the fun, catching a touchdown and recording his 100th reception of the season. That’s back-to-back seasons with over 100 receptions- only 8 other players have ever done that in league history and those guys are all legends. If Welker keeps up this production for another 6 or so years, are we looking at a potential Hall of Famer? Or at least the best wide receiver in franchise history?

Belichick also roped in his own 100 with the win- 100th career victory as the head coach of the New England Patriots. He’s 100-41 (.709 winning percentage) in the regular season with the Pats since 2000, and an absurd 114-45 (.765) if you include the playoffs (what he lacks in fashion sense, he makes up for in football literature).

So with the win the Pats improve to 9-5, still in a three-way tie for first in the East. Out of those three teams, we unfortunately have no control over our playoff destiny due to division record and head-to-head matchups- the best one can do is cross your fingers and legs that we win out, Miami loses its next game and beats the Jets in the season closer. You cross your fingers because its good luck, and you cross your legs because you have to pee really badly.

Who knows- I’m still impressed with what this team has accomplished no matter what; a playoff birth would be nothing short of a bonus.

So given Matty C has essentially bought himself a starting position in the league, there’s rumor that the Lions are lining up to nab Scott Pioli for GM, Josh McDaniels as head coach, and throw in Cassel to replace God-crazy, concussion-hampered man-child Jon Kitna as Detroit’s starting QB. Ya know, that would kind of suck- all three going simultaneously, but nothing lasts forever, and the biggest loss would surely be the genius behind Pioli. That said, I’m sure there’s another like Scott in BB and Kraft’s system- I mean last year’s Junior Talent scout ended up managing the Falcons into the playoffs the season following the McVick controversy! Hmm, maybe our water boy has draft experience…

If you think real hard, you’ll realize just how retarded this movie is.

The C’s simply won’t let up on the league, extending their franchise-best start to 22-2 after whoopin’ up on an upstart Hornets team headlined by MVP candidates Chris Paul and David West AFTER embarrassing the Wizards 122-88 the night before. It was an emotionally-charged evening kicked off by James Posey’s ring presentation in his first trip back to the Garden after signing with New Orleans. The C’s held on to win the game by 12, despite an off-night by Rondo (10 pts, 2 assists). Pierce went off in the 3rd and scored a game-high 28, and the supporting guards Eddie House and TA contributed to get the job done. Team Defense is the mantra of the Celts, and even when multiple guys aren’t clicking, as long as the effort and system is in place, these guys are virtually impossible to beat.

Posey’s ring is made from 8-karat gold so the band would turn his finger Kelly Green. I completely back Danny Ainge’s new method of eternal player-branding.

Boston takes on the 15-10 Utah Jazz at the Garden on Monday, and they’re looking to exact revenge for their last regular season beating received- an 18-point loss delivered by Utah in March that the vets are still wincing over. I have a feeling they’re going to smash the shit out of them by at least 25- let’m know that they’re messin’ with the champs bay-bay!

The Lakers are cruising along beside the Celtics at 20-3, and the two league juggernauts are on a collision course for one hell of a Christmas Day duel. Kobe’s on record saying that the Celtics are their measuring stick for progress they’ve made since losing in the finals last season. Kobe predicts a victory; I predict that Santa is gonna have to bring extra crutches for Tiny Pau and his band of Euro-perimeter softies.

…OK so the crappy limited site I use to doctor my pictures just added a bunch of cheap Christmas add-ons, SUE ME!

The Winter meetings are over and the disputed victors are the New York Stankies. The Sox stayed relatively quiet while New York threw around a quarter of a BILLION dollars in signing CC Sabathia to a 7 year, $161-million contract and AJ “I’ve got a note from my doctor” Burnett to a 5-year, $81-million deal. If that grotesque amount of money for non-everyday players isn’t enough, they’re still considering signing Derek Lowe and in the hunt for either Texiera or Man-Ram. I swear the Yanks plan to outspend the gross net worth of South America before spring training hits. AND THEY BETTER NOT FUCKING COME ANYWHERE NEAR OUR FUTURE FRANCHISE FIRST BASEMAN MARK TEXIERA!!! I mean one can only assume Theo and the gang have been quiet because they’re crafting a monster deal of their own. Every heard the phrase “keepin’ up with the Jonses”, Epstein? We’re in a shit-bucket of trouble if that deal somehow slips through the cracks. I refuse to have John Smoltz be our major offseason pickup.

Despite the clause that CC can depart the Bronx after 3 years, the Yanks are still shelling out $25 mil per year for a sluggish, 300lb tree stump that already has 400,000 innings clocked on that bough of a left arm. C’mon, you know his uniform would kill in a regatta!

Have you ever met an AJ Burnett fan?? This guy gives me the CREEPS.

The biggest franchise move so far in the offseason has been the announcement of the Sox’s new alternative unis, which are strikingly similar to the ass-grey ones they wore during the Boggs/Rocket era.

If bastardizing recent history wasn’t enough, they went one step further and introduced a new cap logo, the “hanging sox” first worn in the 1920s. They mind as well have licensed the image of those hanging berries from Mario 2- you know, the ones that if you collect them all they mean NOTHING.

I guess you can’t blame a company that wishes to capitalize on a brand new revenue stream- It’s common knowledge that the nation will purchase whatever its told to. Hell I complain but I’m sure I’ll get at least three new logo caps for Christmas, along with 200 gift cards to Dunkin’ Donuts.

The Mighty B’s continue to rack up the victories, and top the Atlantic Division by a sizeable 9 points over Montreal. Sure they’ll lose a close one now and then to a playoff contender, but these guys are really doing their part to thrash run-of-the-mill clubs, like the ironically-named Thrashers. Manny Fernandez seems to be getting a few more starts than Tim Thomas recently, but they both have great records on the season, and it hasn’t really mattered who’s been minding net.

Phil’s been on a tear and hasn’t let up. He’s got 19 goals and 12 assists on the season- not bad for a player who was benched for the beginning of last year’s playoffs.

NON-RELATED SPORTS NEWS OF THE AWESOME:

Lame Duck-Extraordinaire President Bush was in the middle of a press conference in Iraq yesterday (part of his Middle East farewell tour) when an Iraqi reporter violently hurled his shoes towards the podium in protest to the heinous acts of war W has bestowed upon his people. I mean this is a delicious spectacle, but the incredible part came when Bush utilized his cat-like reflexes to miraculously dodge the heat-seeking shoe that was on track to smack him square in the face. I’m serious, I can not believe that Bush had the instinct to make this thing miss him completely. Where the hell was that intuitive impulse at any point over the pasts 8 years?!?!! I’m telling you, find video of this if you haven’t seen it, it’s now a tasty morsel etched in time.

Anyway, I’m about to have one busy-as-hell week, topped by a trek back to Boston on Friday for the holidays. If I were a Papa Gino’s franchise owner somewhere in the Metro-west region, I’d make sure the security system to my store is fully intact. I’m coming to get you Papa!

It was indeed ugly, but the Pats hang in there to beat the Seahawks 24-21 in a game that went down to the final play, keeping their playoff hopes alive at 8-5. New England’s in an annoying 3-way tie for first in the AFC East with New York and Miami, and every remaining game is a must-win in order to squeak in to the top 6.

The power of gortex compels Bill and the Pats to forge on, one puffy jacket at a time.

Seattle brought the house despite the absence of Hasselback; QB Seneca Wallace and ex-Patriot Deion Branch arguably had their best individual games as Seahawks. Deion caught 4 for 88 yards and 2 TDs, including one grab for 64 yards that made our tackling-impaired secondary look like rotting swiss cheese. Seattle dictated the game for 3 quarters, but the New England D finally caught up to their playcalls, and came up with stops late to give the offense an opportunity to come from behind.

Deion’s been injured for most of the season, and has caught a lot of flack for not living up to the hype thus far in his Seattle tenure. It’s bitter-sweet to see an old pal turn in a big performance against his former employers. Apparently he greeted his old Patriot teammates at the visitors hotel on Saturday- no blood lost, Branchie!

Cassel and the offense eventually got it done when they needed to- an afternoon emphasized by the 14-play drive for the go-ahead touchdown and 2-point conversion. That was one of those regular-season drives that a New England fan hasn’t experienced in a while; one where every third down felt like it could be the play that marked the end of the season if they didn’t convert. But with clutch receptions from Jabar Gaffney and the slot machine Wes Welker (12 catches for 134 yards), the Pats O punched it in, giving Seattle a two-minute drill with no timeouts for a chance to win. Seneca came out guns blazing and was able to move the ball a bit, looking poised for at very least a tying field goal. But Dan Peas’s safety blitz call, sending Meriweather up the gut and forcing Wallace to fumble sealed the huge road victory for New England.

Dipshit extraordinaire Ben Watson cost the team a 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration after his 2nd touchdown of the season. He has the build of Ben Coates, and the football IQ of Ben Affleck. Not the brightest idea in a close game on the road- a fact that’s rather elementary, my dear Watson.

The problem with this team elongating its fight for a birth to the playoffs is that with each passing week there seems to be another monumental injury that blows a shotgun hole through our depth chart. The Pats must rely on the JV squad in a number of key positions in order to make it to January football. This week saw the re-signing of old…sorry, ANCIENT backerhood buddies Junior Seau and Rosey Colvin, who probably got a shit-ton more playing time on Sunday than they could have ever imagined. The Pats D suffered early injuries to Bruschi, Wilfork and James Sanders, forcing all hands on deck to swab out the shit-storm caused by an upstart Seattle offense who jumped ahead 14-3. Even though it was ugly, they gave it their all and held on to survive one more week…

at Oakland
vs Arizona
at Buffalo

With the Jets and Dolphins facing each other in the season closer, and if the Pats win out against three beatable teams, they could be in the drivers seat in the East come December 28th. We’re summing up a 2008 season chock-full of adversity weighing down on these lack-luster bums, and I for one will be incredibly impressed if they make it to a wild card game.

Ugly win.
Good win.

STAYIN’ ALIVEEE!!

Moving from mediocrity to flat out silliness- the Celtics continue to smash the shit out of the competition night in and night out. With impressive shooting from Ray Allen, the Cs hold off the Pacers in overtime to win 122-117, extending their winning streak to 12 in a row and tying the best starting record in franchise history at 20-2. By the way, Ray has been incredible so far this season. He turned in 35 tonight hitting 7-12 behind the arc, and has the team’s highest PPG average with close to 20 per game. When Ray’s comfortable and feeling the catch-n’-shoot, my god is he a pleasure to watch.

Hey, remember two seasons ago when the Celts finished the regular season 24-58? Yea, me neither!

Boston handed Indiana a gut-wrenching loss on Larry’s 52nd birthday. Didn’t you hear? Indiana’s got a new state salty old guy whom I love/hate to pieces.

The Pacers have been a real stick up the bum this season, and have given Boston and LA, the league’s two top records, 50% of their combined loses. 3rd-year small forward Danny Granger and his supporting cast of no-names have given Boston three very hard-fought battles so far this season, and have the potential to slip into the playoffs with a head of steam similar to the hungry Atlanta squad last year. Aside from Indiana and the Cleveland LeBrons, I’m actually kind of surprised at just how soft the East and the league in general is this year. I was expecting much more from Toronto, Philly, Detroit- although it’s still too early to label them lame ducks.

Perk has filled his supporting role and then some this season, providing an insane number of boards and high-percentage field goals. He’s such a beast that it takes an entire starting 5 to gangbang him under the net just to snag a rebound. Kendrick is playing with an ungodly amount of intensity, which is great until it gets the best of him, sometimes leading to multiple Ts per game. The chatter around the league is that the Celts are a verrry mouthy team, either talking trash or complaining to the refs about every call. I can understand that to a point, being they have a large “defending champs” bullseye square on their back, but you can’t help but think mouthiness might come back to bite them in the playoffs. Don’t worry about Dick Bavetta though, he’s an attention whore.

It’s OK Big Baby!

Boston ran away with Friday’s game against Portland in the 3rd quarter, handing it over to the bench to close it out in the 4th. But unlike their normal consistent performance, the B-team (lead by a sagging Big Baby Davis) almost blew a 20-point lead, forcing the starters back in to clamp on to the W. During a late time-out, KG handed the bench their ass in that frightening, 5-star general way of his, which caused the under-performing Big Baby to begin weep-screaming on the sideline in a bout of defensive temper tantrum (something along the lines of a repeated “…it’s not fair!!”). An awkward, yet hilarious spectacle to see a grown professional athlete cry his eyeballs out of his head because an older brother-type yelled at him for sucking. Apropos Big Baby…apropos.

This pic has nothing to do with Big Baby’s case of the blues, I just find it oddly mesmerizing.

Cs earned three days off, and square off against the 3-15 Washington Wizards on Thursday. I like those chances of improving to the solo-best franchise start in history.

The Brus shut out the Panthers 4-0 on Saturday per a quality performance from rotating goaltender Manny Fernandez. Boston continues to thwamp teams, and nurses a mounting lead in the East with a record of 18-4-4. These guys aren’t just hot, they’re making an argument for being the real deal, and convincing people around New England to dust off the old memorabilia to proudly route for the black and gold once again. Savard is a points machine, and along with surprise contributions from young guys like Krejci and Kessel, their offense is ranked 2nd in the league. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life thought of the Bruins as a scoring threat- it’s one of those funny feelings that tickles my sports-obsessed rear end!

The Sox enter the winter meetings on a fairly quiet note. Then again, no one in the league has made any noise outside of New York- they’re all waiting to see what the big free agent’s asking price is. Boston did however sign another Japanese player to the starting rotation. Earlier in the week the Sox landed pitcher Junichi Tawaza with some Asian-persuasion from his boyhood idol Dice-K Matsuzaka. It’s pretty incredible to think how the franchise single-handedly invaded the baseball-obsessed culture of Japan with the American brand, and now wields all sorts of international power and influence over some the world’s most talented players. That said, I don’t want to get too ahead of myself with this recent sign- Theo’s grooming him for a 3rd-4th starter at best, and that’s after a serviceable stint in the minors.

Meanwhile the catching situation didn’t get any clearer as Jason Varitek declined arbitration with the Sox in order to sample the free agent market. Tek turned down the $10 million, 1-year option because his super-agent Scott Boras is whispering lies into his ear like that sketchy worm guy controlled the dying king in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. It would be nice if we could’ve kept Tek for one more year while grooming the catcher of the immediate future but that’s now looking fairly unlikely. Why can’t everyone agree for the franchise to take him round back and shoot him with a shotgun like old yeller?? It truly is the best solution for EVERYONE.

On a sad but expected note, 42-year old vet Greg Maddux announced his retirement from baseball. 23 years in the league, 355 wins, 4 cy youngs, 18 gold gloves- during my youth this guy had a string of years that can match up against the greatest to ever play the game. And the best part is he was a bonafide dork. Completely non-confrontational, polite, soft-spoken, incredibly intelligent, always flying under the radar. Yet his stuff was magnetic- in his prime Maddux’s location was better than Pedro’s. He’s forever part of that old 90s guard- the griffeys, rockets, wade boggs, kirby pucketts, paul molitors- guys who grew up eating and sleeping the game to WIN; it was never about the payday (well…not just about the payday). Maddux will go down as one of the greatest poindexters to ever thrive in professional sports.
___________________________

The Pats have been impossible since day one this season, and it seems only appropriate that their struggles get harder as the finish line draws near.

Despite the local A-team falling from grace this season, it’s still comforting as all hell to have your Bs and Cs ripping it up like there’s no tomorrow. At this point, there’s simply no coming up for air as a Boston sports fan- the season is a full-365. Live it, love it, or get the Gibb out of the kitchen!

STAYIN’ ALIVEEEEE!!!!

Well…that was an assbeating. Pittsburgh’s oppressive D mixed with a healthy dose of icy rain made for one long afternoon at Gillette. After a tied first half, Pittsburgh came out guns blazing in the 3rd Quarter and capitalized on 4 costly turnovers, scoring 23 unanswered points to win 33-10. I mean, looking at the schedule earlier in the season, I personally chalked this one up as a loss, but going into today’s game I thought they had a bit of a chance. And they did, moving the ball with some ease in the first half, but slippery drops in the end zone by Randy, and Matty airmailing two picks and fumbling twice screwed the pooch. The Pats D put up a fight in the first, but ended up running on empty due to Pittsburgh’s favorable field position off turnovers.

The play that turned the game around was the Matt Slater kickoff fumble early in the 3rd that gave Big Ben and the Steelers offense incredible field position to pound it in for a quick 7. It was a 3-point game before Slater’s fumble, but that was the straw that broke the camel’s dick. Luckily the Jets lost embarrassingly to the Broncos, and are still just one game ahead of New England and Miami for the AFC East lead. With Indy and Baltimore in good position for wild card births, right now it looks like the only way into the postseason is through the division title. At 7-5, we’re most likely gonna have to win out to take the division (then again, this year is so damn backwards that 10-6 might get those bums in). Even if they lost in the first round, a playoff birth would validate this Brady-less, injury prone grind of a season.

Polamalu had a sweet interception on Cassel in the 2nd half. Matty C and Troy were roommates back in their USC days- they used to play “You braid my hair, I pick you off” allll the time.

Roethlisberger had an OK game: 17 for 33, 179, 2 TDs and 1 interception. I can’t help but be annoyed by this big dumb oaf, and his overly-religious motorcycle-skidding, big-cheese-loving fathead. “Fathead, it’s like, THIS HUGE!”

FUNNIEST FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

Hands-down funniest clip of the week is the Sports Tonight interview with Mike Vrabel and Dickerson where Vrabes picks on Greg for getting a Celtics championship ring for doing nothing, stating that Felger and Ron Borges didn’t get anything from the three Super Bowls besides a slap on the ass. Slick backpeddles, doing his best to defend his $15,000 gift from the franchise. At one point Greg jokingly asks Mike to decipher the difference in reporting between Felger, Borges and himself, to which the quick-witted Vrabel cuttingly replies, “Well…I’d say you’re a ballwasher” HAHAHAAAA

MOST AWKWARD FOOTBALL MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

Dan Dierdorf was color for the Pats game on CBS, and when Pittsburgh really started piling up the points in the 3rd, he said something along the lines of, “Wow, the Steelers are exploding all over the Patriots!” I don’t know about you, but right after that me and my friends quickly exchanged looks of confusion and disgust. Thank you Mister color analyst for the colorful imagery. When Troy picked off Matty I really was expecting Dierdoof to scream “My god, Polamalu just exploded all over Matt Cassel’s face!!”

Speaking of oafs and explosions, we had our annual Turkey Bowl on Thanksgiving, and my team LOST goddamn it! Steveo picked first and got Griff and Seth, so he had mad options at Q which freed him up to run the same damn cross that burned our team every single time. There was only one defensive stop in the game, and that was the difference. This is my first Thanksgiving loss, so leave me alone I’m still recovering. This pic was taken right after the game, look at how happy I am.

This was taken after our ridiculously delicious Thanksgiving meal (note my pleasantly swollen stomach). Our group celebrates this holiday to the max each year, and this one was especially big as it’s the last in LA for my friends Ken and Lisa, who are moving back to Boston this week. Who am I gonna drag to Souplantation when Big Daddy isn’t around, Ken?! WHAAAAA!!

The Celtics are rolling right along and plowing through teams. They embarrassed the pants off the Sixers on Friday, and despite a sloppy 3 1/2 quarters against Larry Brown’s Bobcats on Sunday, Pierce turned it on in the last 4 minutes to close the door, securing their 8th win in a row and improving to 16-2 on the season. Since they’re normally jumping up on teams early, the bench spells huge minutes for the starters in hopes of preventing a possible burnout situation as the season progresses. Scalabrine is getting more minutes than he ever has, and gives the home crowd a huge spark in junk time whenever Big Red checks in. Bri even has his own ridiculous cheering section called Scals Pals, comprised of a bunch of shirtless college kids in hilarious red wigs. Scalabrine represents out-of-shape, slow and dated white basketball of yesteryear- totally Boston’s Big White Dope!

Speaking of 16 wins, the Bruins are the hottest team in hockey, improving their Atlantic division lead with a 4-1 win over the defending champion Red Wings. The Bs close out the month of November with an impressive 11-1-1 record. Marc Savard is a points machine, and Phil Kessel is really growing into that offensive role left vacant since the departure of Joe Thornton. Some are even saying this could be the most exciting Bruins squad fielded since the early 90s Bourque/Neely teams. It’s a long season, and ya never know what happens once the postseason hits, but I am loving the surprise goodness from professional hockey in Massachusetts! I think there’s an unwritten rule where at least 2 out of the 4 major Boston sports franchises must be awesome at the same time.

SO the door isn’t shut on the Pats just yet, but they’re gonna have to essentially run the table over the last 4 games for a fighting chance at a playoff spot. At Seattle, at Oakland, home vs. Arizona, then wrapping up in Buffalo- four winnable games, there’s just not much room for error. Take a page out of Perk’s school of Beast Technique and REBOUND!!!

After last Thursday’s devastating overtime loss to the Jets, the Pats and their season were backed up against the wall entering yesterday’s do-or-die game against the Miami Dolphins. The loser of this game at best falls into a two-way tie for third in the division with Buffalo, and two regular season loses to their division rival certainly would spell THE END for New England.

It was non-stop body blows for three full quarters, until the Pats simply pulled away in the 4th (with help from sloppy and hot-headed play from a young Miami team). 48-28 New England, wahoo!

Matty C continues to improve and impress at an astounding rate. He threw 30 for 43 for 415 yards, 3 TDs and rushed for another. This is his second 400-yard performance in a row, joining a list of only 4 other QBs to do so since 1970. Very poised in the spread formation, and the Dolphins simply couldn’t stop the air attack. It was one of those bust-out games for a ton of receivers, topped by Randy’s best day of 2008- over 100 receiving with 3 TDs.

Hey Rand, could you please define the phrase “hellified ball”? Thanks.

Miami’s D game-planned for a big run day from New England, and left Randy in single coverage for most of the day. Randy gets insulted if he’s not being quadruple-covered, this is what happens when you piss a future-HOF receiver off. Welker had another stellar performance with 8 balls and 120 yards, and Jab jumped in on the fun with a season-high 88. Cassel’s looking more and more comfortable with game-speed and reading defenses, and the receiving core is beginning to click along with him.

The Pats’ D let up two touchdowns off turnovers, but slowed the Miami attack in the 2nd half, and virtually shut out those damn gimmicky Wildcat 2-back formation plays that embarrassed New England in their first meeting. The D-line picked it up in the second, delivering huge hits and squashing Miami’s run game, holding them to 62 yards on 19 rushes. Vince Wilfork played like a man possessed, and made the backs and Pennington look outright silly. Keep in mind, Miami ambushed the league with all that hoaky-ass Wildcat crap starting with the Week 3 blow-out at Gillette. BB and staff had 8 weeks of tape on Miami’s Wildcat playcalls, and this time around they made the Dolphins’ mildly-confusing bag of tricks look like a mildly-arousing bag of dicks (don’t worry, I don’t see the connection either).

“Get over hea, you Crowder-head!”

These two teams absolutely despise each other, and the non-stop smack talk by Joey Porter among others escalated this battle from hard-hitting to skull-thwacking. Matt Light and Channing Crowder both got ejected with 7:00 left in the fourth, after a tussle rushing a Gostkowski field goal attempt turned into Matt hammer-fisting a helmetless Crowder in the dredlocks, connecting on four punches. It was kind of a hilarious spectacle, as Light reeled in his mouthy adversary by his braids- another GREAT reason to never wear dreds if you’re a professional athlete. I love how Chris Hanson is cracking up in the background. Just hope Matt doesn’t get suspended by the Commish per his rabbit punches. Even though he’s playing kind of shitty, they need the goon if they’re going to attempt making the playoffs.

So 7-4 after week 12, 2nd in the AFC East behind the 8-3 Jerks, and fighting tooth and nail for a playoff spot as their enter the last 5 weeks of regular season. Next week they take on the tough but beatable Steelers team. The offense probably won’t be putting up 48 against the Pittsburgh D, one of the top in the league, but it should be a close game. 8-4 heading into a West coast trip to play Seattle and Oakland would be a nice Thanksgiving surprise.

I learned the hard way not to draft John Kerry on Thanksgiving

Speaking of Thanksgiving and football, we’re having our 4th and potentially last annual Turkey Day bowl this Thursday. Each year Landry and I square off as captains, and I’m 2-0-1 over the first three matchups. If you know me personally, you’ll know that I take any competition to the max- never really got the memo on the whole friendly game thing. This is largely due to the fact that I resent not playing an organized sport outside of soccer growing up, especially when I very much believe that I’m one of the more underrated civilian athletes. Anyway, the T-giving game is a forum to rack up fantasy-type numbers while pounding on your friends in micro-vendetta fashion- if that’s not the definition of Christo Holiday I don’t know what is. In last year’s match I accidentally sent one kid to the emergency room….that sounds terrible but in reality he went because he sprained a pinky finger, what a pussy!! Normally I purchase a trophy for the winners each year, but since I’m in a recession I might just tape all the past trophies together to make a cheap-ass super-trophy. Trophu quality really doesn’t matter because I’m pocketing the mother fucker again this year. Yes yes, I’m…kind of insane.

The Cs are really beginning to fire on all cylinders, easily beating the Raptors in Toronto to mirror last season’s record through the first 15 games at 13-2. Ferocious defense, a deep bench riddled with maturing young players, and now consistency in offense via fastbreak style helmed by Rajon, whom Doc credits as the catalyst for their recent domination.

Rondolicious: Rajon has the experience, and now the confidence to push the ball every trip down the floor. When Rondo’s on his game, these guys are virtually impossible to beat.

Tony Allen has been huge off the bench, putting up 9 ppg and really contributing as a 2nd team leader. This goober has really come a long way, and has put up big numbers when they’ve needed it most. He’s also the only player in the league that can perform the La-Z boy reclining dunk (pictured above).

“Do I suck or not?? FATE, MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY YOU FICKLE BITCH!”

At 13-2, the C’s enjoy a comfortable lead atop the Eastern conference, but the forgettable Bruins are the ones making waves in New England. Already through a quarter of the regular season, the B’s are #1 in the East with 32 points and a record of 14-3-4. They squeaked out a shootout win against Montreal on the night the Habs retire goalie great Patrick Roy’s jersey. Barring major injury, these guys are looking for real, and if they can keep it up, are poised to host a playoff round or two. I love these young guys like Kessel or Lucic who seem to have grown off last year’s deep first round against the Canadians. Lucic hits like a young Terry O’Reilly or Leo Boivin- one of those guys who enjoys two-handing someone in the skull for giving him the stink-eye.

The Sox are rightfully slowplaying a buzz-charged free agent market so far this offseason. They moved Coco for a relief pitcher with upstart potential, but probably won’t make any real moves until the Winter meetings are over. Sounds like the two players they’re even in the mix on (Texiera and D-Lowe) are going to have astronomical pricetags, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they bet the farm on a ridiculous $200+ contract for Marky T, a proven Red Sox killer thus far in his career. Besides that, all quiet on the western front as Theo is neglecting his GM post while shredding with Pearl Jam on their Dunkin’ Donuts New England tour. In stead of playing real venues, they perform at individual Dunky drive-thrus during the morning work rush.

I’m only home once a year, yet every trip I simply can’t avoid Eddie Vedder attacking me with that melodic whining every five minutes on the radio. Chili Peppers I get, but Pearl Jam?? A call to arms BCN- help put the M back in Assachusetts!

MAJOR RED SOX ROSTER CONCERNS TO-BE ADDRESSED:

1) A BIG BAT- Big Papi’s entering the twilight years, and they’re in dire need of that franchise beast in the middle of the order.
2) STARTING ROTATION ADDITION- We need one more arm to sure up the 4-5 spot. D-Lowe would be a lot of fun, c’mon you know it. Think of the make-up sex alone.
3) BULLPEN HELP- one more stud to help facelift that sagging bullpen. Theo needs to scrape pieces of gum off the bottom of his figurative desk. And he really needs to do something about those uncontrollable boners during figurative gym class.

BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GONNA DO FOR CATCHER? They’re potentially going to tap the Texas well of development catchers, but there’s no one on the market who is a real upgrade from the aging captain. And we still have no clue if Tek will take a hometown discount to finish out his career here, something looking less likely each day with that sports-vulture Scott Boras twittering in his ear. Yes, you heard right- Scott Boras is addicted to Twitter.

Maybe Tek can just hang it up and start a product line for aging men with crew cuts and squeaky high-pitched voices.

_____________________

So the Pats live to see another week, and there’s still hope of slipping into one of the limited playoff spots. If you think of all the incredible adversity they’ve faced so far this season, just making it to January football would be an absolute testament of the strength and ability of Bob Kraft, Billy B, and Scotty P’s juggernaut super-system. I think Pioli and Theo should totally be appointed positions on Obama’s cabinet!!!

What a friggin’ roller coaster of emotions with the Pats this season. If they can play like they did this Sunday, and if the D can step up and stop that oaf Ben Rothlisberger, we’ll be 8-4 with a chance to tie for first in the East. Still can’t pull the trigger one way or another on these guys, but I’m grateful the verdict’s still out 12 weeks deep!!!

What the hell Ben?! I thought I told you to stop eating out of the trash can!!!

You are a small man.

AND that makes me want a real ice cream sundae. Be riiight back.