Hello! How was your weekend? You did whaaaa??? How many drinks did you?….but how does that even fit in there??

Anyway I wasn’t up to much - a little gym, watched the Sox pre-season game against the Dodgers (all my buds went on Sonny Mac’s booze bus for the game, how rad is that!), little hiking, you know the drill…

So I’m starting a new post category called MONDAY MOVIE MANIA. Over the past four years, I’ve worked in a number of different parts of the entertainment industry, and in many facets of television and film feature development. If I’ve taken anything away from my experience, it’s that Hollywood Executives buy the dumbest piles of creative hack-crap in order to appeal to the largest audience possible. In business where the dollar reigns, sure try to capture universal appeal, but making a film broader and ultimately dumber definitely comes at the expense of the poor little storyline (which just so happens to be THE REASON I WATCH A GODDAMN MOVIE). The story doesn’t matter nearly as much as star-power, glossy, ostentatious production value and watered-down, practically insulting script and dialogue. In fact, the closer the story resembles an already-produced financial success the better. Tinsel Town stories and themes have been regurgitated more times than an ecomony-sized bottle of Karen Carpenter’s ipecac (what, too random?)

Whose green-lighting neck fat would you rather nuzzle? Scott Rudin’s or Harvey Weinstein’s?

I’ve decided that every Monday post will feature a number of ludicrous, half-assed pitches for a Hollywood movie or TV show that are conceived within seconds of typing them here. They will be goofy, quite asinine but I guarantee you they’re probably very similar to actual ideas that get bought and sold every single day (the ghost of Jack Valenti is choking on a shot of ipecac just hearing that). Hollywood is a stinkin’ trash heap, and I feel like having fun playing in the rubbage. God help us if one of these gets picked up!

PITCH #1: P.D./M.D.
Format: Feature Film
Genre: Action
Studio: FOX

LOGLINE:

A hot-shot rookie detective named Hal Broebeck gets shot on duty and is forced into early retirement. Seeing that he’s young enough, Hal decides to enroll in medical school to become a surgeon. At first the other students treat him like the campus rookie, but Hal’s renegade attitude helps silence the school bullies, and win the love of Senior Surgical Instructor Gina McFellone, his counterpart in age and now, in bed. Hal battles against the Institute’s brightest pupil K. Dawkins Brixsley in the Brain Surgery finals, and sweeps the hearts of everyone on campus.

CAST:

Hal Broebeck: MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Dr. Gina McFellone: RACHEL BILSON

K. Dawkins Brixsley: TOPHER GRACE

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Sequel: F.D./J.D. starring Charlie Sheen
_______________________________

PITCH #2: BIG-FOOTLOOSE
Format: Feature Film
Genre: Drama
Studio: Paramount

LOGLINE:

Harry Saquache is a scrawny freshman at Sanford J. Peidmont High stuck in obscurity with no notice from the popular kids. That is, until he tries out for the male cheerleader squad and discovers that his recent puberty spurt is more than just abnormal hairiness - he just so happens to be the most gifted dancer in the tri-state region. Harry uses and abuses his hairiness and dance skills to gain popularity and a large ego to boot, but when he realizes that he’s actually a bastard child of bigfoot his world spins out of control. With help from guidance counselor Nancy Peacekeepler, Harry is able to keep his natural beast and giant ego in check just in time to sweep the cheer finals, and win the love of his reconnected father, Bigfoot.

Harry Saquache: EMILE HIRSCH

Nancy Peacekeepler: TILDA SWINTON

Bigfoot: JEFF BRIDGES

Directed by Sophia Coppola

Tagline: I’ve got big feet AND I can dance, alright!
__________________________________

PITCH #3: Tyler Perry’s GIMME BACK MA NASCAR!
Format: Feature Film
Genre: Comedy
Studio: Lionsgate

LOGLINE:

Superstar racecar driver Heathcliff Rawlings takes the world by storm by becoming the first ever African-American to win the Nextel Cup standings. He’s crowned the Tiger Woods of NASCAR, bringing universal appeal to the sport, but also providing aggrivation to the Middle-American race fanatics as Heathcliff and his childhood neighbors slowly take over professional racing with their incredible skill set. A mini-race clash breaks out, especially between Heathcliff and top driver Jimmy Digotry, but their differences are settled on the racetrack where Heathcliff wins and helps open the eyes of ignorant Americans to accept the fact that the only black and white that truly matters is on the checkered finish flag.

Heathcliff Rawlings: TERENCE HOWARD

Jimmy Digotry: KENNY CHESNEY

Peaches Rawling: ROSARIO DAWSON

Written and Directed by (soon-to-be world’s richest man) Tyler Perry

______________________________

PITCH #4: THE HUNT FOR MY FAVORITE PANTIES
Format: Film Feature
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Studio: Sony Pictures

LOGLINE:

Down-on-her-luck Tracy Dazzlinton purchases the most eccentric pair of underwear she’s ever seen from an old wiseman in Little Tokyo. But these are no ordinary underpants: when worn by the owner, they become the most potent aphrodesiac known to man. Tracy begins to receive everything she desires in life- a new apartment, the job of her dreams, and Ax Biggsdack, LA’s most attractive bachelor. Tracy is on cloud nine until she accidentally misplaces the underwear at the laundromat. With her luck reversed, Tracy goes on a city-wide quest to hunt down her panties (which pass through the hands of many women throughout Los Angeles) in order to win back her job and former-boyfriend Ax. Only after she finally tracks down the magic panties does Tracy realize that she only needed them as an excuse to boost her self-confidence - the power was inside her all along!

Tracy Dazzlinton: AMY ADAMS

Ax Biggsdack: CLIVE OWEN

Directed by Brett Ratner and his sex-slave chimpanzee RUFUS

…Well you get the point. These aren’t really supposed to be funny, they’re moreso to show just how stupid and ill-conceived the Hollywood product is. Seriously, you tweak a few things in each of these crappy properties and all of a sudden Dreamworks is in a bidding war with Warner over THE HUNT FOR MY OTHER FAVORITE PANTIES. This might help clarify why I enjoy the size of my dumb little projects and subsequent exposure - I don’t ever want a huge quote, I just want to make my little crap MY crappy way! Pay me in Whole Foods gift cards for all I care…

Seriously, if anyone feels like paying me in Whole Foods gift cards to shoot their film, I am very open to negotiation.

Until next time whenever that may be,
Brento!

OK, Hello. Sorry! Alright. Jesus, I said I’m sorry for not posting in like six days, get off my back already will ya!!

Look at those snappers, will ya!!

…If that’s not rude enough, today’s post will also lack a video of any sort. LIS-TEN I’m running out of oldieo videos- I still have a handful but I need to ration them as to not blow my preverbial load too soon. I might be a cheap date, but I surely ain’t no two-pump chump!

So first topic of discussion in our rad rant involves a documentary I saw over the weekend called THE KING OF KONG. We were bored on Saturday and decided to download it on Apple TV to see what all the hub-bubabuzz is about. If you haven’t heard of it, THE KING OF KONG is a documentary that follows a budding rivalry between the world’s two best gamers of the classic arcade game Donkey Kong.

I’ll give you a brief backstory:

In the dawn of the 70s and 80s arcade craze, one man emerged from the sea of laymen to dominate and capture the crown of best video gamer alive. This man was a teenage hand-eye coordinated phenom named Billy Mitchell (photogenically captured below circa 1982).

Back then, Billy held the world records for points in Pac-Man (first of five to get achieve a perfect game), Centepede, Burgertime, Donkey Kong, and Donkey Kong Jr. These days, the world has caught up to Billy in just about everything except for his super-human Donkey Kong skills, which is hailed as the all-time greatest world record to obtain. Billy is the icon for arcade gamers, and he definitely acts the part. Presently (as seen below), Billy is skinny with long hair, a beard and always dons an American flag tie at competitions to let the world know who’s #1!! What kind of asshole actually wears an American flag tie? (…that is, outside of entertaining website videos…)

The thing that really pisses me off about this guy is the enormous ego he hides behind his forced, messiah-like features. In fact, I’m positive Billy actually thinks he’s the reincarnation of Jesus. As if God finally returned Jesus to Earth in the 80s as a self-engrossed douchebag who will spend the next 25 years playing the same arcade game simply to remain #1 (maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t have Pac-Man in Jerusalem 2,000 years ago).

SO THE MOVIE - this guy named Steve Wiebe comes out of obscurity to challenge Billy’s all-time Donkey Kong score. Wiebe is a very talented guy, but has always come up just short from #1 status in every facet of life- sports, music, you name it, this guy always misses out or chokes on the big stage.

So Wiebe is your typical underdog trying to take down Billy the Goliath, and in the movie he does so twice, but Mitchell’s numerous cronies outside and inside the records system work hard to maintain Billy’s #1 status. I think Steve’s story really plucks at my heartstrings because in some way we’re connected - both talented and ambitious, but can never really see things through to the end. I was welling up at the part where he’s playing his original piano music to an audience solely comprised of his little brat kids and frumpy wife (Hello, 300 Christo conciertos later and my fanbase consists of Steve Landry and a bonsai tree). Wiebe’s a dreamer, but can never fully accomplish his goals. That is, until **SPOILER** he finally and officially takes down Billy’s score for a world-record high 1,049,100 points.

…But after watching the movie and reading up on their rivalry to date, Billy has recaptured the all-time high with 1,050,200 - nudging out poor Wiebe by a measily 1100 points, C’MON what’s with that bullshit!!

In summation, I was thoroughly entertained by this documentary, and though it was the best thing I’ve seen since THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

ON A related note - the next day, Nolan is looking up world-record scores on Twin Galaxies (the official scoring site) and he finds the speedrun high for Super Mario Bros. This record is considered 2nd greatest outside of Donkey Kong, and we find out that this 17 year-old kid-genius named Andrew Gardikis (from Quincy, MA might I add) holds the fastest time (using warps and straight) with 5:08!!! That’s just insanity. Nols looks down the list and 6th best time is 8:07, so he asks me what my fastest time ever is. I tell him I have no clue, but I think I can beat it in under 10 minutes for sure. So all my buds talk me into running a speed trial to see how far off I am. Mind you we just came in from hiking and already had a few drinks under our belt that fine lazy Sunday, so I was fairly exhausted and just out of it (aka not at my peak). My time with a few fixable errors was 8:15, and could have easily been about 7:50 had I not screwed up seconds from the end (waiting for that one fucking hammer brother to approach me!). I am pretty pumped I am that fast even without practice or anything, so now I’m on a quest to come close to Andrew’s record. I think running the course a number of times, I can get it under 6 minutes but not much closer than that. This kid’s world-record run is posted on youtube here (however it’s his unofficial 5:00 because of a few illegal moves, but still mind-boggling).

When I grow up, I want to achieve greatness like Andrew Gardikis…

So once I get close to that, I’ll post my best Super Mario speedrun on the RAC for your senseless viewing pleasure…

*_*_IN_*_*_OTHER_*_*_NEWS_*_*

Speaking of bloodshed and unrealized accomplishments, after shooting a scene with Big Daddy this past Sunday, I’ve officially decided to pull the plug on the endless pilot of THE SURVIVAL. We’ve shot 3 days and have a few scenes, all hilarious, but the problem is we can’t exactly find compatible time for the cast (*cough!* of two people *cough!*) to shoot. It was crazy, sort of funny, and a fun time acting opposite Chris and watching Kenny B turn into a damn fine little DP. The worst part like always is my untrained acting performance, but half the time we were drunk or something else so I guess I snuck a little method in there!

Here are a few stills from a pinnacle scene near the end:

This may look weird, but the build-up to this scene justifies me wearing a trashbag (love that runner!) and scooping fistfuls of dry cocoa.

Big Daddy does his best Kurtz (Brando) from Apocalypse Now as he readies an attack on BC to obtain a glass of water.

BDL and Brento battle in the sloppiest man-fight after the kitchen sink confrontation.

Now that THE SURVIVAL is over (before it began), I have to brainstorm some new videos I can do basically by myself - I’m open to any ridiculous suggestions, or maybe you’d rather me spare you the pain of producing anything in the future (probably the best choice)!

SO MY QUEST to find a job continues. I’ve been interviewing quite a bit lately, but the last few stinkers have started to sketch me out into thinking that maybe I will never find a non-suck ass place to work.

Not to EVER talk negatively about a former or prospective employer, but let me vaguely generalize the last interview I just went on to better illustrate:

I pulled up to a nice, family-sized house in some-suburb. Park the car, go behind the side of the guy’s house to find a shed/office. Knock on the little door, the guy briskly greets, then has me wait outside the shed on a little black metal foldout chair. The sunlight is blinding me and I’m about a foot away from a swingset. After a 7 minute wait, the applicant before me exits and we have an awkward exchange before this guy has me enter the back room of his shed/office. We’re sitting about a foot from each other in director chairs. He starts to grill me right away about the negatives in my resume, and I’m already tapdancing two minutes into it. We awkwardly exchange back and forth for the next few minutes. He asks if I grew up in Boston, I tell him 45 minutes south of the Bean in Bellingham, MA. He tells me that he grew up in the town my grandmother and her crazy family lives in, and in a fit to capture a morsel of common ground, I told him as such. He asks what street they live on, and for some reason I went blank uopn recalling, so I explain that she’s near the highschool and a convenience store. He asks for the surname of that side of the fam and I told him, which when thinking twice I’m not sure if the potential of this guy knowing of them is a good card to have during this interview.

Anyway, he went on about what the job is, what the company aspires for, then wrapped it up around 8 minutes in. I leave and immediately reflect on what that job fully involves and demands, and thought, well, that was a fantastic waste of gas. 100% lack of chemistry for the first time on an interview EVER.

At one point he asked me what I saw myself doing in the immediate future, and the first and only thing that popped in my head at the time was that I’d like to be the head writer for the Cafferty File blog on CNN, just to make Jack Cafferty read my hypocritical and contradictory questions so he looks like an idiot on air. I am fascinated by the combination of Wolf Blitzer and Cafferty on The Situation Room - it’s like they’re the sassy couple for baby boomers and older. Cafferty thinks he’s hip like a teenage girl with a blog, you can see his smug pride burrowed deep in the valleys of his wrinkles.

Move over Anderson you queen! It’s Cafferty-time.

I obviously couldn’t tell the shed guy that, so I tapdanced some more. But I can’t help but think that I’m just not cut out for another desk job when thoughts like that cloud my head during interviews. I am kinda fucked!

…oh what-everrr, I’ll be fine. Happy thoughts and that shit, right?

I’LL have to drink some metamucil so I can get regular with my future posts. Another oldieo video right around the corner (a goodie), and in the meantime I’ll bake-storm up some more video goodness for you to eat.

Rad rant - thx guys!
The Boston Rat

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Happy Good Friday to the religious type, and to everyone else, I hope you catch that fuckin Bunny and force him to divulge the coordinates of all those delicious cadbury eggs.

So today’s video is just a quick follow-up to the last goofy post: the bloopers from the REGULATOR(S) shoot. Not overly funny to anyone outside the cast really, but still good to see extra footage of Longino’s odd attempt to cry/relish victory with trashbag Kleinman. My favorite moment in this, even though it’s mistakenly repeated about 400 times, is when Kleiny sincerely pleads with Jay to stop slashing the knife at him. This vid is more of a “you must be really bored and want to spy like a voyeur on a bunch of misshaped college dudes in revealing gym shorts.” (…and if that’s the cup of tea you’re pourin, I’m a-drinkin!)

…Is it just me or does my arm in the above-freeze frame eerily resemble an $8 turkey drumstick you can only buy at Disneyworld’s Frontierland? That RAC body-type was during a time when the only thing I was lifting was a 12-pack of Miller Lite and assorted donuts (Cinnamon is the shit, don’t lie to yourself). One year before this video I was in the middle of taking andros and cut like no other. To spin perspective, I could bench approximately 290 lbs then when I now max out at 185 if I’m lucky. The problem with hard supplements like that is, once you stop taking them you kind of turn into the Michelin tire ghost. And that’s him up there wearing a doo-rag and giggling like Strawberry Shortcake.

…IN other news, last Saturday I attended the coolest live performance I’ve ever seen - The 90’s MTV sketch group THE STATE gathered for their first reunion in 11 years to perform one night only at The UCB theater. Admittance was only $10 each, but they sold out in about 3 minutes so it was a hard ticket to nab. We were in line about an hour and a half before the performance, and there was about 150 people behind us that didn’t get in. When waiting in line, all The State guys passed by to enter the theater. They’re all friendly dudes, and chatted up parts of the line on their way in. My favorite group member has always been and forever will be Ken Marino. Ken was about to walk right by us when I stopped him and wished him a good performance. He was fairly quiet and serious, but seemed like he wanted to chat with us for a second or two. Here’s a transcript of our run-in:

The RAC: “Hey Marino!”
Ken Marino: “Oh, hi guys.”
The RAC: “Hey listen Ken, have a good performance tonight, go get’em bud.”
Ken Marino: “Say, thanks. Uh, you guys here for the show?”
The RAC: “No.”

He looked confused, then shook Nols’s hand and took off. I probably shouldn’t have punked one of my comedy heroes like that, but that’s where the moment took my peanut-brain.

Anyway the SHOW was incredible!!! They performed about 10 sketches, and everyone was there except the two Michaels (Ian Black and Showalter) who contributed with a half-ass video sent from NYC. Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenny, Ben Garant, Joe Lo Truglio, Kevin Allison - all amazing and hysterical. But Marino…stole the friggin show, no lie! The two best sketches were the first and last with Ken as the figurepiece. The first was a spoof on the Founding Fathers drafting the Bill of Rights, with everyone acting the proper colonial part except Marino who perfectly executed as the loudmouth, spit-balling father persuading others to pass ridiculous amendments.

Marino begs Jefferson to agree on the penguin instead of the bald eagle as America’s bird. “Jeff,Jeff,Jeffy..Jefferson c’mon man! Nobody wants the bald eagle! You hear bald eagle and you think bald! Bald is a terrible friggin thing man!”

Kevin Allison reprised his State character of “Kookoo Coach” and delivered an impressive and wordy monologue. He addressed the audience as though they were a pathetic Varsity Football team with a slew of sweet, young male asses. He’s so good at the maniacal blood-boiling rant…

“Now I know you boys have never seen me before and I’m not your coach…”

Marino killed in the performance of the night when the group performed “Cookiepuss Mafia”. Everyone was in Soprano’s garb with Marino doing his best New Jersey mafia boss, Tony Soprano impression. They are about to make someone, and have all the ceremonial tools in place to do so, but the new crime member hasn’t shown up yet. They’re all waiting around and Marino explains that he bought a Cookiepuss ice cream cake from Carvel to eat AFTER they make the guy. So the entire sketch is centered around the delicious Cookiepuss and everyone getting too antsy to wait for the guy to show. Marino as the Skip has to gun down his underlings for stepping out of line when it comes to Cookiepuss. The picture below is of the only moment in the show when anyone broke- David Wain’s flailing makes Marino break character for a second, and the crowd jumped all over the delightfully real and humorous occasion.

“Hey uh Skip, so what exactly is a Cookiepuss supposed to be anyway?” (In the most put-out, and serious of tones) “He’s a magical cookie spaceman from the planet Birthday.”

I could go on forever about the show, but I’ll leave it at that. I recall staying up with my older sister Stef as we stole the remote from my sleeping dad to flick to the new State episode each week. I was exposed to the group at the perfect time in my comedy development, and credit them and MST3K as my two main influences growing up. I had the honor of representing Jo Lo Truglio when at The Agency Group, and every other time he called in I flooded him with questions about future State stuff. There’s a rumor that the UCB show and it’s content was a try-out for material for a State movie, upon which I will have a heart attack if they commit to.

Take a bow boys and Kerri, you deserve it.

A quick personal update on The RAC’s current LA situation:

- He is working hard with Ken and Big Daddy on the 25 minute pilot episode of THE SURVIVAL and will have it out as soon as possible.
- He is beyond broke, unemployed, and willing to work for food other than Ramen noodles (OH, sorry if they’re stinking up the joint my halitosis-riddled roommate!)
- He was on a great track until Ray.com vacation weekend. I don’t think he’s exactly recovered from that weekend yet.

Things The RAC is lacking:

- I’ll repeat, a job
- Money
- Focus in meditation
- General accomplishments

But besides that, things are swell.

…And on that down note, HAPPY EASTER!

Bye,
Brento

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Hey sports fans, welcome back to the crap.

Today’s post is a goofy project I did for an editing course at BU. REGULATORS was a music video project quickly pieced together in a few hours - the “thugs” were alerted last minute and champs for participating, the costume is obviously a raid on extra junk lying around the dorm (especially the trash bag garment), hell the song wasn’t even determined until the day of shooting.

In fact, hours before filming I asked Jay if he wanted to lip sync to any song of his desire, and being a lifelong fan of Warren G, he chose Regulators. I think it’s a great song and threw together some funny elements in the nick of time, however I am not familiar with the words outside the chorus and it’s glaringly obvious that Nate Dogg in the video doesn’t know what the hell he’s singing about. But then again, at this point that’s half the comedy - J-Raff is incredibly accurate and sells the performance, I clumsily get in the way like an Ox that dies on the Oregon Trail.

Besides another J-Gem performance, there are a few quirky things I still get a kick out of when watching this goofy parody of a music video:

1) The two groups that knife fight in a back alley (in Allston) are somehow thug cronies during the other half of the video as Jay narrates the events. How did that happen? Did they kiss and makeup? Is the alley scrap a LOST flash-forward?

2) There’s a sequence of Nate Dogg bumping a line of coke in a kitchen as the door magically blows open to call upon his aid in the alley fight. I think I just wanted to sneak in a shot of someone bumping a line of coke, then having to confront his actions immediately after. I love those moments in cheesy cop movies when the bad guy does something terrible like drugs or eff a hooker, then addresses it head-on when someone walks in on the situation. That aside, I think I’m more mystified by the magical wind that blows the kitchen door open.

3) The “thugies” - Mikey Walsh, John Longino (who I ran into at the State reunion show at UCB Saturday- will post about that separately) and “Soggy” Dave round out the all-white terror gang. Mikey is funny in this as he never makes a face and changes poses every 45 seconds. John-Long looks hysterical with wife beater, bowtie, cummerbund and duct taped “Fuck You” glasses (which he couldn’t see out of). Soggy is just along for the ride, and agreed to wear nothing but a trash bag (a visual gag of mine finally realized). You can tell he almost breaks when accidentally taking a real swig of Listerine. All good fellas for playing along and suffering through the track about 10 times on loop.

Well, like I said, conceptually 20 minutes, photography 3 hours, and talking Nolan into cutting it about 4 minutes - this thing was thrown together faster than a Barbie doll manufactured in Korea, but still a fun shoot and another brilliant J-Raff performance.

I’ve been trying to get him to perform in another music video since shooting this years ago, but we’ve never come up with a great song to slug a grand slam with. Hopefully we’ll shoot the follow-up to REGULATORS for this website sometime in the next few weeks…

Speaking of shooting new stuff, we started filming a bit for THE SURVIVAL - this site’s first new webseries. At this rate, the pilot’s going to to be about 48 minutes long (oh, what, don’t have the attention span??!?!?) and my acting is horrendous, but it’s just fun to carelessly throw something together without worrying about the final product, and it’s good QT with Big Daddy and Kenny B. If it doesn’t translate as funny to you, I don’t really care because you don’t make me laugh either, so I don’t owe you shit.

And on that note, do enjoy the old J-Raff classic REGULATOR(S). In a day or two, I’ll post the blooper reel for your senseless viewing pleasure* (see Welcome to RAC video)

…and to buy precious time.

Ma’halo,
Brent Christo

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Hi, just want to start by saying hope you’re doing fine. I realllly do.

So this next Oldieo is my attempt at a man-on-the-street comedy Q&A bit (you know, the sort of thing that make people look stupid). J-Raff is Antuanua, Psychic of the Future as we spent one sunny afternoon walking around 3rd Street and the Santa Monica Pier taping (illegally) and stopping everyone in our path. I was operating Nolan’s 1st generation DV cam* (see Welcome to RAC) and doing my best shaky, reality-esque capturing. For some reason, Jay was practically up all night doing something, and was coasting on fumes when we shot this, but his performance was one for the ages. All of his Q&A was lightening-quick improv, and he really hurled some classic curve balls at the poor tourists and locals.

Personal favorite J-Raff exchange:

Antuanua: I’m from Albania, we have the cold harsh winters…it took my father…
Lady: Oh, that’s bad…
Antuanua: Well, he was a bad guy…
Lady: Oh, then that’s good…
Antuanua…eh, still my father.

…Jason had an interview that night after shooting for six hours in the blazing sun with no liquids (and not to mention his all-nighter) and is fairly certain that the events in that 24 hour span acted as a catalyst for his later-to-be-discovered Type-1 Diabetes. I know what you’re thinking, Type 1 is inborn and normally discovered in early childhood development, but Jay was a rare case that was exposed and triggered at the tender age of 24. For three weeks following the shooting of this piece, Jay was practically bed-ridden and could only hold down liquids like gatorade and soda. One trip to Ralph’s, he literally spent $45 on a liquid grocery run. By the third and fourth week, Jason’s “thurst” (as we called it) had caused him to drop a stunning 30 pounds, resembling a skeleton with jet-black curly hair (I thought he looked “handsome-skinny”). He could barely muster enough strength to walk from his bed to the living room couch, and had trouble drooling words and sentences from his lips. I was home sick one day from work near the end of his home-remedied ordeal when J-Raff looked at me and finally said, “I…Drive me to the E.R. please.” Well, we got there just in time, and if he put off the hospital for one more half-day he might have slipped into a self-induced coma. If that had happened, us brain surgeons would have thought Jay’s situation had moved from “thurst” to “Zs”. He checked into UCLA, and then proceeded to stay in the ICU to get pumped with life-liquids for a good 4-5 days. When the doctors told him he was diabetic, us grandstanders were like, “Ohhh. The ‘thurst’ EQUALS diabetes, duh!”

So essentially, Jason acquired a lifelong illness to bring you 5 minutes of chuckles. And with that in mind, do enjoy Jason Raffile as Antuanua (named after the old shitty bar on Beacon St. in Boston might I add).

Enjoy and come back soon for my first Rad Rant!

Brento
Resident of the blahblahblah

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Aloha and welcome back friends. Today’s oldieo video is another short from BU called I DID A BAD THING. This was the first sync-sound exercise I shot after RONNIE BUNUEL so I find it appropriate to post right after. The exercise is the first project for Sam Kaufmann’s (sp?) Production 2 course - the requirement was to shoot a scene with a master shot, and two close-ups to show that (you’re not completely inept and) you understand basic scene coverage. And when I say basic I mean baaasic with four a’s.

The scene takes place in my Student Village living room at BU. Chris Frontiero (AKA Big Daddy; Big Crabby Apple; Big Happy; Big Tragedy; Big Trinity; Fronty) plays Mike, and Mikey Walsh (a great guy and a true Masshole) plays Chris. It’s a pretty straight forward scene - a redundant build-up to a chuckly punchline. Mikey and Big Daddy were champs for playing, but the moment of the exercise belongs to Mikey and Rob O’Dwyer - a subtle mug nod from Robby O that pierces through Mikey’s heart breathes what little life is present in the short. A quick two minutes, a cheap punchline but still a fun little piece.

You’ll notice that as these oldieo posts continue, I assembled a company of funny Brent Christo players:

“BIG DADDY” CHRIS FRONTIERO

JASON THOMAS RAFFILE

DENNIS LEMOINE

ROB O’DWYER

CJ SHEPPARD

MIKEY WALSH

From pre-teen to late 30’s bachelor, all at some point play my alter-ego. All characters in my shorts operate in their own absurd universe, hold no regard for acceptable social conditioning, and thoroughly enjoy in lighthearted torment of everyone they compete with in life. Ultimately they all mean well, but that doesn’t mean they won’t reak a tub-load of havoc along the way…

So I began writing this site’s first webseries THE SURVIVAL with Big D and Kenny B. It should be pretty funny and I’d love to get out the first episode as soon as possible, but that might require the posting of “whatever” blogs and “lesser” videos before that’s possible. Hell, if you make it that far to get to the watered-down material, I’ll throw each of you your own pizza party! By the way, why do pizza parties seem so outdated? Do kids still have birthdays at Burger King and McDonwalds or did that go the way of the Dodo as well? What the hell happened to slap wristbands goddamn it! Damn, how old am I getting? I feel like I’m still 15 with acne. Shit well, such is the boomerang generation - maybe I’ll go back to school and get 5 more degrees over the next 10 years while I decide what to do with ma fragile little existence.

Enjoy I DID A BAD THING - I’m sure one or two of you can relate to this situation, boy!

Brento
President of THE REAL AMERICAN CHRISTO

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Hi all. So here’s my first video post of a past short. Some of you may have seen this one years ago, if so it’s worth another watch. RONNIE BUNUEL: ARTIST is an early BU student film of mine. My long lost friend Federman (one brilliant writer might I add) did me a huge favor by getting infront of the camera and creating the ostentatious porn director-in-denial Ronnie Bunuel. This short is a portrait of a haughty filmmaker on a quest determined to capture his own corner of that obsure object of desire: truth in pure art form. The glaringly obvious problem to everyone but Ronnie is that he completely lacks style, voice, and talent of any kind. His support staff of “underlings” is what makes his productions possible, but he’s too busy dreaming in white, fluffy ego clouds to realize that he’s virtually useless on set (hmm, sound like 8,000 directors in hollywood to you?). All said, his determination to orchestrate a masterpiece in every film frame of every second ultimately leads to his happiness. They say ignorance is bliss, and they’re friggin correct.

I suppose this is somewhat auto-biographical and self-depricating to a degree. I mean, replace porn with “webshorts” or “websites” and that explains a lot.

There was actually a mini-controversy during the class presentation of this film in Production 1. The instructor (refuse to call the man professor) Bob Arnold lambasted me in front of the class, claiming that I cheated on the project by syncing sound during production of RBA (specifically during DUCKTALES IN L.A. and at the end when Monner says “Could be the best porn made this year!”) I cried out in defense of my brainchild, arguing that I used the same 16mm non-sync bolex as everyone else and had my crew of boys watch dailies to ADR sound and song in post production (BTW - for you post and film nerds, this thing was SPLICED together on a FLATBED editor. You may have seen a picture of one in some archive or the smithsonian catalog).

I think that old bald hack Bob Arnold had something against me, because he never liked my ideas or my approach in filming them. In fact, every professor I had at BU was like that towards my projects, and yet somehow I always received positive audience feedback and success in a speedy and efficent production. Half of those guys were just sad, self-aggrandizing men in search of an outlet to rule and belittle because of their own cinematic failures. BOO HOO, go make another video art short where a dog starts talking Portuguese and falls in love with a country nun (…actually, go make that - sounds interesting).

Anyway, lot of repressed venting going on here, but I thought I’d explain some accounts of people telling me NO throughout my past film experiences - especially this early one at BU. If I listened to all the NOs this hunka-website would have never been created. And creativity in general is the act of permission, of allowing myself to look like a fool by putting my enormous quads on display through black slacks and roller skates* (see Welcome to RAC! video)

Well, hope you enjoy RONNIE BUNUEL: ARTIST - I look back on it and smile at the dumb, little rebellious soul I once was. I would like to think that I’m still part-dreamer and storyteller like the oblivious Mr. Bunuel. You can’t deny his passion for crap!

Come back soon for another Christopiece!

Thanks,
Brent Christo
President of THE REAL AMERICAN CHRISTO

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**VIDEO DISCLAIMER** The above-posted video introduction to this website was crudely pieced together. The quality does not represent the type of videos that will be posted over the duration of this vlog. You try shooting on a camera and editing on a version of imovie that are as old as you. And don't even get me started on compression! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, IF POSSIBLE WATCH THE QUICKTIME FEED OVER FLASH and let it fully load before playing (which takes 30 seconds). All said, enjoy the site!

Hi, my name is Brent Christo (disturbingly captured above) and this is my Vlog befittingly entitled THE REAL AMERICAN CHRISTO. I’m an all-American guy filled with crazy-ass ideas and now I have a dumping ground for them! You may be asking yourself, “Why the hell did I come to this crappy website?” GREAT question. The answer being that you are like me- we need something to occupy the monotony of our boring existence, and that something just so happens to be my pointless rants and random videos!

Over the years I’ve produced a number of quirky, quasi-interesting and unrelated shorts for a viewing audience of…my parents. My friends act like I’m waterboarding them when I suggest the viewing of an old classic Christo piece. Now I have the pleasure of inflicting YOU with that same torture. I plan on posting everything from my early student films to my half-dead webseries shot last year starring original SNL cast member Garrett Morris (also half-dead). I also plan to shoot web miniseries with my hilarious cast of talentless friends and post them as well. Funnyordie - just die already! Youtube - Yousuck! Blip.tv - eat my ass. Lord knows what I am or what I want to blab about, but to pretentiously quote Guido from 8 1/2, “I have nothing to say but I want to say it all the same.”

…and with that I summed up every asshole on the world wide web.

The people who’ve known me over the years will most assuredly experience 2nd-hand embarrassment over my child-like antics still in full gear. Old friends are getting married, having kids, flourishing in a career while I am still running behind a bus at full speed to film the exhaust pipe because I find it surreal and mildly sexual.

ANYWAY, I’d love for you all to post comments either bashing or praising these dumb videos, and it would be great if we could start a bizarre little web community by discussing and debating random topics. Check back super-soon for videos and hilarious blog themes of interest, like:

- Foreign films I pretend to understand
- Old school Nintendo
- Crappy Television now and good Television of yesteryear (i.e. Cheers, Golden Girls)
- Admiring Boston from Los Angeles
- Admiring Los Angeles from Boston
- Schemes to avoid paying bills and rent

You get the point. Au revoir mes amis!

Brent Christo
President of THE REAL AMERICAN CHRISTO