Hi there! Welcome to another week of RAC. I feel as though the bond forming twixt you and I is best summed by the poetic hit TV theme song As Days Go By from the unforgettable series Family Matters:

As days go by…
we’re gonna fill our house with happiness.
The moon may cry…
we’re gonna smother the blues with tenderness.
As days go by…
it’s the bigger love of the family.

I had no clue the moon had the option to cry. Learn something new each day!

I hope the grand total of $2.6 million was worth a lifetime of torment and seclusion for actor Jaleel White.

Say, that reminds me of a good Fenway Park story…

I remember I bought a scalped RF bleachers ticket for $10 to a shitty Sox vs. Kansas City Royals game one day after class. I just so happened to be sitting two seats away from the lone Royals fan at Fenway that night. He was dressed to the nines in Kansas City apparel, wearing a cap, headphones and giant dork glasses. Anyway one inning KC had a minor burst of run production and this guy who had been on the receiving end of a lot of Fenway razz (those drunk a-holes) decided to give it back to the bleachers and proudly cheer on his team. I don’t care who you or your team is, if you’re outnumbered at Fenway, especially in the bleachers, you’re in for a world of pain. This guy turned around and taunted the fans for a micro-second, then got pummeled with the loudest and craziest verbal abuse I’ve ever heard a braintrust of New England fans ambush someone with. People were throwing wrappers, empty bottles- this one masshole to my right stands up and starts the crowd chant “Urkel!! Urkel!!” (a la hazing Daryl Strawberry with Daaryl!). I swear to you that it was louder than any “Yankees Suck!” chant I’ve ever heard. This Royals fan happened to closely resemble Steve Urkel, so it really hit home. I remember sitting there and watching the pain and anger burst out of his neck veins as he silently counted to five on his hand repeatedly. AND THIS WAS A MEANINGLESS SOX/ROYALS mid-season game! Talk about a shameless fanbase (to which I am loyal member…)

At least Yankee fans have other shit-starters to back them up at Fenway. Poor Urkel! Take a look at this photo: hovering above is the same negative aura-cloud that sparks world wars. Mind as well have been The US Rednecks playing The Iran Shia-sluggers at Fenway.

I rant about my hometown sports because today I kick off a new category on the RAC called TWIBS! or This Week In Boston Sports!

Baseball was my first love as a child (c’mon, in Beantown you’re born into it) and I recall many a weekend rushing to our television in order to catch Mel Allen recap the previous week in MLB on his hit show This Week In Baseball. The theme song, the 80s sports video montage, the old school presence of Mel (God rest his bones)- the show had a magnetic air of sports electricity to it.

Mel Allen could witness a gang-related triple-murder in a dark alley and he’d still belt “HOW ABOUT THAT!” and walk away.

I plan on this post being a Sunday wrap-up, but I feel like launching it today. Anyway, on to TWIBS!:

We start with the…

BOSTON RED SOX

After taking the rubber match last night at Fenway over the dredded Yankees, the Red Sox enter this week with a record of 7-6, currently good for 3rd in the AL East. There’s been a pinch of the Hangover blues so far this season, considering these guys are all party animals and coming off their 2nd World Series title in four years. In their defense, MLB has been touring them around the globe like a circus act, but this is a demanding town where perfection is the only acceptable outcome. Most bats have been slow to start, especially Big Papi and his astounding .070 average. The other day, the Yankees organization dug deep into the foundation of its new 2009 stadium to unearth a Red Sox jersey buried by a construction worker and diehard Sox fan as to put a hex on the pinstripes for years to come. The story leaked, and the Yankees spent money and a ton of manpower to dig up the jersey, which happens to be a #34 David Ortiz. Maybe now that the jersey has been properly restored to Earth, Big Papi can take the bat out of his ass and start hitting mass pike-balls again.

The Red Sox and The Yankees are starting to piss me off early…eh, what’s new.

Is it just me or should Big Papi have spent his time hosting the regular off-season baseball camp instead of focusing on a 2nd career in Space and Aeronautics?

Earlier in the week, the Sox had their season opener at Fenway park. I must laud this organization for its successful attempt to stock the team with in-house talent and a great farm system, but their international marketing strategy is getting waaay too hoaky and over-produced for my liking. Neil Diamond has to Neil Diealready, as does “Sweet Caroline”. Why are all the musical ties to the Sox extremely nerve-racking? Neil Diamond, Aerosmith, James Taylor, OK Go…can’t someone with talent be a Red Sox fan? I mean, besides Ben Affleck.

I will say this about opening day. Even though it would’ve made more sense to have him throw the first pitch after the ‘04 championship, having Bill Buckner hurl a strike for the ceremonial pitch in front of a forgiving fan ovation was pretty cool. Poor Buckner’s life had been ruined after his blunder in ‘86 that cost them the series to the Mets. He and his family have suffered torment of the worst kind (similar to poor Urkel!) and this opening pitch was visually theraputical for Bill.

Gotta love this guy. Over 20 years of anguish, yet he still manages to throw a 75 mph breaking ball for a strike!

Slow bats aside, the starting rotation is a tad unsettling as well. Beckett just needs to get healthy, Dice-K has averaged 1400 pitches per four innings despite his low ERA, Schilling is a fat Republican afterthought, Bucholtz has plenty of off-days just like his kid-phenom look-a-like Doogie Howser, Wakefield just turned 57, and Jon Lester is a 5th starter at best.

Dice, how about getting that WHIP under 8.70. That goofy look won’t work on me my friend!

Is it just me, or does Bartolo Colon errily resemble Wart, the big boss from Mario 2?

Overall, the boys in Red are doing OK- we’ll have to check in as the season progresses to see if it’s possible to get into the postseason with such a deep American League.

BOSTON CELTICS

I am unabashedly a member of the Celtics bandwagon. I started following them after the 5th game of the season, and it’s been an amazing ride. They’ve locked up 1st seed in the NBA playoffs, and would be hard-pressed to find a post-season opponent outside of the Pistons to derail them from a Championship bid.

The combination of The Big Three coupled with the bench and farm players they didn’t trade to Minnesota for Garnett has made the difference this season. Garnett is the most electrifying player I’ve seen since Bird, and his incredible work ethic has demanded the most his support staff can contribute. Pierce’s stats are naturally down given the surrounding talent, but that’s the MO of this team- everyone’s ridiculously unselfish.

That’s actually the size of KG’s head- it can only fit on the jumbotron.

How…the hell…did Danny Ainge swing this!?! We somehow signed Jesus Shuttlesworth and a future 5-star General in one offseason!

These three are already all-stars and future HOFs, so it’s no shock they clicked like they did. But the surprise breakout of the season has been 2nd year Point Guard Rajon Rondo. He’s incredibly quick with tricky moves (like the time he broke Steve Nash’s ankles), runs a great floor, is a pesky defender and has a solid mid-range jumper to boot. On top of that, Rondo’s very poised and well spoken- nothing gets to this kid! I feel like he’s the factor that decides their post-season success. The C’s bench has really taken shape as the season progressed, with huge contributions from Eddie House, Leon Powe, “Big Baby” Davis, Posey and even ugly Sam Cassell. As long as everyone stays healthy, this team should rock my balls for the next two months!!!

Rondo, you can break my ankles and my heart any day.

I’m coming around on Doc Rivers, especially how he’s handled the second part of the season and devoted meaningful minutes to the bench, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to coach this team of talent. If anything I’d give him props for managing all those big egos, but the hungry veterans in KG and Pierce do that themselves, so in my eyes Doc is reduced to a dancing cheerleder flailing on the sidelines.

Speaking of Rocket Scientists, I’d much rather prefer Doc Brown to Doc Rivers on the sideline. Maybe, just maybe Ainge stole the DeLorean to alter history this past offseason, just like old Biff in BTTF 2.

I am ready for the playoff Celtics, and thank them for one entertaining regular season. It’s the first time I’ve followed the team since the 2003 Pierce-Antoine combo that came up just short. Plus, they’re the reason I got into Comcast Sportsnet East with Felger and Tanguay, not to mention my old pal Tommy Heinson.

Felger, you BU clown. How did you luck out with the greatest man-life in New England? That’s his insanely hot wife Sara Underwood, a local news anchor. Love/despise Felger!!

Tanguay deserves his own, better version of Sara Underwood. I think he should get with the classy and popular CNN anchorwoman Campbell Brown.

BOSTON BRUINS

OK I normally don’t give two shits about the bruins. I haven’t watched a game since Joe Thorton departed the Hub, and haven’t totally paid attention since the early 90s team of Bourque, Cam Neely, Joey Juneau, and Andy Moog. But the Bruins snuck into their first playoffs in four years, and happen to match up against long-time rival Montreal Canadians, so diehard fans are making a little stink about Boston’s forgotten franchise. Last night they pulled out an overtime victory to tighten the series 2-1 Montreal, but let’s face it, they’re grossely out-talented and they have a mediocre netminder at best in veteran Tim Thomas.

I care about the Bruins/Canadians series, I really do. I just happen to care about everything else in the world a lot more.

OK Tim, just picture the puck as though it were a delicious Drake’s Ring Ding and you’re really reallly hungry. It’s snack time, go eat up! Oh yea and don’t let any more easy goals in net, asshole.

This is the last hockey player I’ve paid any attention to. I even attended the Bourque parade at Government Center when he won the Stanley Cup with the Colorado Avalanche! Love that womanizing, mulleted defensive wonder!!

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

…I have not recovered. I am not in denial, I just don’t want to see, hear, taste smell or touch anything Patriots. After the most devistating loss in NFL history, it will be a hard time even easing back into this season come September, November, December…whenever it starts. NFL, our current media obsession and anything marketing makes me puke a little every time I think of it, so I choose not to. If Randy Moss stabbed Tom Brady over a three-way with Giselle and Bill Belichick taped the whole goddamn thing, I could care less. Give me a ring when they’re attempting 19-0 for the second time and maybe I’ll tune in. Yes, my heart was broken and I hate football, are you happy??

I will teach you to cheat like Bill Beeeelichick!”

This week on South Park Cartman did his best Edward J. Olmos in Stand and Deliver to teach a group of inner-city hellians how to cheat in school just like Bill Belichick has cheated over the past seven years. It’s pretty stinging, but kinda funny and you have to throw your arms up and say, “ah, yep, can’t argue there.” Ah whatever, can’t win ‘em all, even if you cheat!

TWIBS QUIB OF THE WEEK:

Our old friend Gabe Kapler got picked up by the Milwaukee Brewers this season after coming out of retirement and managing a single-A ballclub. He’s still as physically imposing as ever, and so far this season Gabe is smacking the shit out of the ball - .435 avg, 5 homers and a bucket-full of RBIs! Go get ‘em Gabe!! Just like the song says, “It doesn’t matter if you hit .240…we all know that you have guts and glory, Gabe.”

You could fry a small car on those abs! What the hell have you been eating for breakfast?? Steroidieos?

That’s all for this week. The New England diehards are like pigs in shit over all this activity, but when are they not? It’s kinda fun being a removed Boston fan as I can tune out for a bit when things get ugly. But just when I thought I was out, they drag me back in!!

TWIBS! future posts will be shorter and posted on Sundays, and next week Monday Movie Mania! shall return to it’s regular spot.

Thanks and go C’s!!
The Boston RAT

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 at 1:54 am and is filed under TWIBS!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.