After last Thursday’s devastating overtime loss to the Jets, the Pats and their season were backed up against the wall entering yesterday’s do-or-die game against the Miami Dolphins. The loser of this game at best falls into a two-way tie for third in the division with Buffalo, and two regular season loses to their division rival certainly would spell THE END for New England.

It was non-stop body blows for three full quarters, until the Pats simply pulled away in the 4th (with help from sloppy and hot-headed play from a young Miami team). 48-28 New England, wahoo!

Matty C continues to improve and impress at an astounding rate. He threw 30 for 43 for 415 yards, 3 TDs and rushed for another. This is his second 400-yard performance in a row, joining a list of only 4 other QBs to do so since 1970. Very poised in the spread formation, and the Dolphins simply couldn’t stop the air attack. It was one of those bust-out games for a ton of receivers, topped by Randy’s best day of 2008- over 100 receiving with 3 TDs.

Hey Rand, could you please define the phrase “hellified ball”? Thanks.

Miami’s D game-planned for a big run day from New England, and left Randy in single coverage for most of the day. Randy gets insulted if he’s not being quadruple-covered, this is what happens when you piss a future-HOF receiver off. Welker had another stellar performance with 8 balls and 120 yards, and Jab jumped in on the fun with a season-high 88. Cassel’s looking more and more comfortable with game-speed and reading defenses, and the receiving core is beginning to click along with him.

The Pats’ D let up two touchdowns off turnovers, but slowed the Miami attack in the 2nd half, and virtually shut out those damn gimmicky Wildcat 2-back formation plays that embarrassed New England in their first meeting. The D-line picked it up in the second, delivering huge hits and squashing Miami’s run game, holding them to 62 yards on 19 rushes. Vince Wilfork played like a man possessed, and made the backs and Pennington look outright silly. Keep in mind, Miami ambushed the league with all that hoaky-ass Wildcat crap starting with the Week 3 blow-out at Gillette. BB and staff had 8 weeks of tape on Miami’s Wildcat playcalls, and this time around they made the Dolphins’ mildly-confusing bag of tricks look like a mildly-arousing bag of dicks (don’t worry, I don’t see the connection either).

“Get over hea, you Crowder-head!”

These two teams absolutely despise each other, and the non-stop smack talk by Joey Porter among others escalated this battle from hard-hitting to skull-thwacking. Matt Light and Channing Crowder both got ejected with 7:00 left in the fourth, after a tussle rushing a Gostkowski field goal attempt turned into Matt hammer-fisting a helmetless Crowder in the dredlocks, connecting on four punches. It was kind of a hilarious spectacle, as Light reeled in his mouthy adversary by his braids- another GREAT reason to never wear dreds if you’re a professional athlete. I love how Chris Hanson is cracking up in the background. Just hope Matt doesn’t get suspended by the Commish per his rabbit punches. Even though he’s playing kind of shitty, they need the goon if they’re going to attempt making the playoffs.

So 7-4 after week 12, 2nd in the AFC East behind the 8-3 Jerks, and fighting tooth and nail for a playoff spot as their enter the last 5 weeks of regular season. Next week they take on the tough but beatable Steelers team. The offense probably won’t be putting up 48 against the Pittsburgh D, one of the top in the league, but it should be a close game. 8-4 heading into a West coast trip to play Seattle and Oakland would be a nice Thanksgiving surprise.

I learned the hard way not to draft John Kerry on Thanksgiving

Speaking of Thanksgiving and football, we’re having our 4th and potentially last annual Turkey Day bowl this Thursday. Each year Landry and I square off as captains, and I’m 2-0-1 over the first three matchups. If you know me personally, you’ll know that I take any competition to the max- never really got the memo on the whole friendly game thing. This is largely due to the fact that I resent not playing an organized sport outside of soccer growing up, especially when I very much believe that I’m one of the more underrated civilian athletes. Anyway, the T-giving game is a forum to rack up fantasy-type numbers while pounding on your friends in micro-vendetta fashion- if that’s not the definition of Christo Holiday I don’t know what is. In last year’s match I accidentally sent one kid to the emergency room….that sounds terrible but in reality he went because he sprained a pinky finger, what a pussy!! Normally I purchase a trophy for the winners each year, but since I’m in a recession I might just tape all the past trophies together to make a cheap-ass super-trophy. Trophu quality really doesn’t matter because I’m pocketing the mother fucker again this year. Yes yes, I’m…kind of insane.

The Cs are really beginning to fire on all cylinders, easily beating the Raptors in Toronto to mirror last season’s record through the first 15 games at 13-2. Ferocious defense, a deep bench riddled with maturing young players, and now consistency in offense via fastbreak style helmed by Rajon, whom Doc credits as the catalyst for their recent domination.

Rondolicious: Rajon has the experience, and now the confidence to push the ball every trip down the floor. When Rondo’s on his game, these guys are virtually impossible to beat.

Tony Allen has been huge off the bench, putting up 9 ppg and really contributing as a 2nd team leader. This goober has really come a long way, and has put up big numbers when they’ve needed it most. He’s also the only player in the league that can perform the La-Z boy reclining dunk (pictured above).

“Do I suck or not?? FATE, MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY YOU FICKLE BITCH!”

At 13-2, the C’s enjoy a comfortable lead atop the Eastern conference, but the forgettable Bruins are the ones making waves in New England. Already through a quarter of the regular season, the B’s are #1 in the East with 32 points and a record of 14-3-4. They squeaked out a shootout win against Montreal on the night the Habs retire goalie great Patrick Roy’s jersey. Barring major injury, these guys are looking for real, and if they can keep it up, are poised to host a playoff round or two. I love these young guys like Kessel or Lucic who seem to have grown off last year’s deep first round against the Canadians. Lucic hits like a young Terry O’Reilly or Leo Boivin- one of those guys who enjoys two-handing someone in the skull for giving him the stink-eye.

The Sox are rightfully slowplaying a buzz-charged free agent market so far this offseason. They moved Coco for a relief pitcher with upstart potential, but probably won’t make any real moves until the Winter meetings are over. Sounds like the two players they’re even in the mix on (Texiera and D-Lowe) are going to have astronomical pricetags, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they bet the farm on a ridiculous $200+ contract for Marky T, a proven Red Sox killer thus far in his career. Besides that, all quiet on the western front as Theo is neglecting his GM post while shredding with Pearl Jam on their Dunkin’ Donuts New England tour. In stead of playing real venues, they perform at individual Dunky drive-thrus during the morning work rush.

I’m only home once a year, yet every trip I simply can’t avoid Eddie Vedder attacking me with that melodic whining every five minutes on the radio. Chili Peppers I get, but Pearl Jam?? A call to arms BCN- help put the M back in Assachusetts!

MAJOR RED SOX ROSTER CONCERNS TO-BE ADDRESSED:

1) A BIG BAT- Big Papi’s entering the twilight years, and they’re in dire need of that franchise beast in the middle of the order.
2) STARTING ROTATION ADDITION- We need one more arm to sure up the 4-5 spot. D-Lowe would be a lot of fun, c’mon you know it. Think of the make-up sex alone.
3) BULLPEN HELP- one more stud to help facelift that sagging bullpen. Theo needs to scrape pieces of gum off the bottom of his figurative desk. And he really needs to do something about those uncontrollable boners during figurative gym class.

BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GONNA DO FOR CATCHER? They’re potentially going to tap the Texas well of development catchers, but there’s no one on the market who is a real upgrade from the aging captain. And we still have no clue if Tek will take a hometown discount to finish out his career here, something looking less likely each day with that sports-vulture Scott Boras twittering in his ear. Yes, you heard right- Scott Boras is addicted to Twitter.

Maybe Tek can just hang it up and start a product line for aging men with crew cuts and squeaky high-pitched voices.

_____________________

So the Pats live to see another week, and there’s still hope of slipping into one of the limited playoff spots. If you think of all the incredible adversity they’ve faced so far this season, just making it to January football would be an absolute testament of the strength and ability of Bob Kraft, Billy B, and Scotty P’s juggernaut super-system. I think Pioli and Theo should totally be appointed positions on Obama’s cabinet!!!

What a friggin’ roller coaster of emotions with the Pats this season. If they can play like they did this Sunday, and if the D can step up and stop that oaf Ben Rothlisberger, we’ll be 8-4 with a chance to tie for first in the East. Still can’t pull the trigger one way or another on these guys, but I’m grateful the verdict’s still out 12 weeks deep!!!

What the hell Ben?! I thought I told you to stop eating out of the trash can!!!

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