Hello! How was your weekend? You did whaaaa??? How many drinks did you?….but how does that even fit in there??

Anyway I wasn’t up to much - a little gym, watched the Sox pre-season game against the Dodgers (all my buds went on Sonny Mac’s booze bus for the game, how rad is that!), little hiking, you know the drill…

So I’m starting a new post category called MONDAY MOVIE MANIA. Over the past four years, I’ve worked in a number of different parts of the entertainment industry, and in many facets of television and film feature development. If I’ve taken anything away from my experience, it’s that Hollywood Executives buy the dumbest piles of creative hack-crap in order to appeal to the largest audience possible. In business where the dollar reigns, sure try to capture universal appeal, but making a film broader and ultimately dumber definitely comes at the expense of the poor little storyline (which just so happens to be THE REASON I WATCH A GODDAMN MOVIE). The story doesn’t matter nearly as much as star-power, glossy, ostentatious production value and watered-down, practically insulting script and dialogue. In fact, the closer the story resembles an already-produced financial success the better. Tinsel Town stories and themes have been regurgitated more times than an ecomony-sized bottle of Karen Carpenter’s ipecac (what, too random?)

Whose green-lighting neck fat would you rather nuzzle? Scott Rudin’s or Harvey Weinstein’s?

I’ve decided that every Monday post will feature a number of ludicrous, half-assed pitches for a Hollywood movie or TV show that are conceived within seconds of typing them here. They will be goofy, quite asinine but I guarantee you they’re probably very similar to actual ideas that get bought and sold every single day (the ghost of Jack Valenti is choking on a shot of ipecac just hearing that). Hollywood is a stinkin’ trash heap, and I feel like having fun playing in the rubbage. God help us if one of these gets picked up!

PITCH #1: P.D./M.D.
Format: Feature Film
Genre: Action
Studio: FOX

LOGLINE:

A hot-shot rookie detective named Hal Broebeck gets shot on duty and is forced into early retirement. Seeing that he’s young enough, Hal decides to enroll in medical school to become a surgeon. At first the other students treat him like the campus rookie, but Hal’s renegade attitude helps silence the school bullies, and win the love of Senior Surgical Instructor Gina McFellone, his counterpart in age and now, in bed. Hal battles against the Institute’s brightest pupil K. Dawkins Brixsley in the Brain Surgery finals, and sweeps the hearts of everyone on campus.

CAST:

Hal Broebeck: MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Dr. Gina McFellone: RACHEL BILSON

K. Dawkins Brixsley: TOPHER GRACE

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Sequel: F.D./J.D. starring Charlie Sheen
_______________________________

PITCH #2: BIG-FOOTLOOSE
Format: Feature Film
Genre: Drama
Studio: Paramount

LOGLINE:

Harry Saquache is a scrawny freshman at Sanford J. Peidmont High stuck in obscurity with no notice from the popular kids. That is, until he tries out for the male cheerleader squad and discovers that his recent puberty spurt is more than just abnormal hairiness - he just so happens to be the most gifted dancer in the tri-state region. Harry uses and abuses his hairiness and dance skills to gain popularity and a large ego to boot, but when he realizes that he’s actually a bastard child of bigfoot his world spins out of control. With help from guidance counselor Nancy Peacekeepler, Harry is able to keep his natural beast and giant ego in check just in time to sweep the cheer finals, and win the love of his reconnected father, Bigfoot.

Harry Saquache: EMILE HIRSCH

Nancy Peacekeepler: TILDA SWINTON

Bigfoot: JEFF BRIDGES

Directed by Sophia Coppola

Tagline: I’ve got big feet AND I can dance, alright!
__________________________________

PITCH #3: Tyler Perry’s GIMME BACK MA NASCAR!
Format: Feature Film
Genre: Comedy
Studio: Lionsgate

LOGLINE:

Superstar racecar driver Heathcliff Rawlings takes the world by storm by becoming the first ever African-American to win the Nextel Cup standings. He’s crowned the Tiger Woods of NASCAR, bringing universal appeal to the sport, but also providing aggrivation to the Middle-American race fanatics as Heathcliff and his childhood neighbors slowly take over professional racing with their incredible skill set. A mini-race clash breaks out, especially between Heathcliff and top driver Jimmy Digotry, but their differences are settled on the racetrack where Heathcliff wins and helps open the eyes of ignorant Americans to accept the fact that the only black and white that truly matters is on the checkered finish flag.

Heathcliff Rawlings: TERENCE HOWARD

Jimmy Digotry: KENNY CHESNEY

Peaches Rawling: ROSARIO DAWSON

Written and Directed by (soon-to-be world’s richest man) Tyler Perry

______________________________

PITCH #4: THE HUNT FOR MY FAVORITE PANTIES
Format: Film Feature
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Studio: Sony Pictures

LOGLINE:

Down-on-her-luck Tracy Dazzlinton purchases the most eccentric pair of underwear she’s ever seen from an old wiseman in Little Tokyo. But these are no ordinary underpants: when worn by the owner, they become the most potent aphrodesiac known to man. Tracy begins to receive everything she desires in life- a new apartment, the job of her dreams, and Ax Biggsdack, LA’s most attractive bachelor. Tracy is on cloud nine until she accidentally misplaces the underwear at the laundromat. With her luck reversed, Tracy goes on a city-wide quest to hunt down her panties (which pass through the hands of many women throughout Los Angeles) in order to win back her job and former-boyfriend Ax. Only after she finally tracks down the magic panties does Tracy realize that she only needed them as an excuse to boost her self-confidence - the power was inside her all along!

Tracy Dazzlinton: AMY ADAMS

Ax Biggsdack: CLIVE OWEN

Directed by Brett Ratner and his sex-slave chimpanzee RUFUS

…Well you get the point. These aren’t really supposed to be funny, they’re moreso to show just how stupid and ill-conceived the Hollywood product is. Seriously, you tweak a few things in each of these crappy properties and all of a sudden Dreamworks is in a bidding war with Warner over THE HUNT FOR MY OTHER FAVORITE PANTIES. This might help clarify why I enjoy the size of my dumb little projects and subsequent exposure - I don’t ever want a huge quote, I just want to make my little crap MY crappy way! Pay me in Whole Foods gift cards for all I care…

Seriously, if anyone feels like paying me in Whole Foods gift cards to shoot their film, I am very open to negotiation.

Until next time whenever that may be,
Brento!