Very pleased, practically elated with the Presidential outcome. Like him or not, Obama is an educated, thoughtful and even-tempered politician, not to mention one of the best public speakers to ever grace a television screen.

His acceptance speech was monumental; a man who feels genuinely ready for the insurmountable task of turning this country around on so many levels. In the face of a historic crisis, there’s a promise worth believing as a progressive thinker now occupies the oval office.

It’s inspiring to see people across America, squirming in a bleak hour, join forces and publicly elect a regime change that can mend our society, and relationship with the world. There’s a feeling in the air that we’re entering a serious collective shift in consciousness. It’s going to be one hell of an uphill battle, but arrogantly fighting the fight is what this damn country is all about. I’m entering an age where it means a hell of a lot to me to prevent digging the hole any deeper, and passing on a big garbage dump to my children.

It’s a tall order, but tonight I believe we made an important first step in the right direction.

ON CALIFORNIA / MASSACHUSETTS LOCAL ELECTIONS:

1) CALI PROP 8: Gay Marriage Ban. As of the time of this post, looks very likely it will pass, and I am disgusted to be a voting citizen in this state. This is a giant civil step backwards for California. I think it’s ignorant, and believe I’m not alone in being shocked over this potential outcome.

2) CALI PROP 1A: High-Speed Rail from SF to LA. I voted no, but it’s leading to pass at 70% precincts reported. This state is broke as shit, a gigantic part of the nation’s credit problem- it makes complete sense to spend more money we don’t have to buy a kick-ass choo choo train. For the love of god please sink any available transportation money into solving the public transportation issue in LA first.

3) Repeal the Mass State Income Tax was rejected 70 to 30. I completely agree- that money circulates, churning the community (similar to Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards).

4) DECRIMINALIZE MARIJUANA passed big-time in Massachusetts. Anyone cited with possession under an ounce gets the equivalent of $100 parking ticket. This is the product of a young generation of voters, and a decision I didn’t see coming from that state any time soon. Devilishly progressive, hi-larious!

5) BAN DOG RACING passed, wiping out shitholes like Wonderland and Wrentham Race Track. I am all for treating animals less like abused circus clowns.

BIG DAY FOR MASS
BAD DAY FOR CALI
INSTANT HISTORY FOR AN AMERICAN PUBLIC IN SEARCH OF DIRECTION

Two men, elected leaders, working side by side to repair the image of the game. Remind you of anyone?

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Hey there and welcome back. I hope your week is going well, I’ve had an interesting one up to this point for sure. Today’s oldieo is one of my last “showable” video posts, so I’ll have to start bringing my Celtics Home game to this website (compared to my recent Celtics Away game attitude).

So this is the blooper reel for the short-lived CLOSE QUARTERS webseries (and by short, I mean five minutes of a pilot). It opens with Garrett singing a classic obscene melody that I hope someone plays at his funeral (god forbid he ever leaves us) so we may remember GM as a hysterical clowner till the end. Did that sound creepy? I didn’t mean it like that!

Like I said this shoot was a lot of fun. The blooper reel is filled with shots of Big Daddy playing a little bit of Big Diva on set. We always have our minute differences when shooting projects, but it usually ends up my way or the highway- I used to be a happy-go-lucky Napoleon on set, what can I say. I stress “used to be” because when I shot this I was still a little snotty “result” director, meaning I would bark direction via expressions and emotions, not allowing the established actors to breathe their own interpretations into the role (through proper direction using action verbs). Then again, this is a spoof on classic sitcoms where the action is cheesy and over-stylized…let’s just say I don’t think there were too many Adler students on the set of SAVED BY THE BELL.

Speaking of SBTB, my good friend Riley Weston (screenwriter/actress extraordinaire) wrote a Lifetime movie starring Elizabeth Berkley (AKA Jesse Spano) called DARK BEAUTY that premieres this Saturday, May 17th at 9pm Eastern/6 Pacific. Be sure to tune in or tivo, she promised me it’s a fun watch.

My dear friend Riley Weston

Hands-down best Jesse Spano moment: “I’m so excited! I’m so excited!! I’m so…SCARED!”

Tivo, my friends, is a very dangerous toy. Steveo and I have been averaging about 2.5 Saved By The Bell episodes per day. It’s starting to scare me how much we remember from every single episode. I mean, that show was like cocaine when we were kids. Everyone I know within a 4-year radius of my age has seen every episode at least three times. I remember watching it Saturday mornings over my decrepit piano teacher’s house in Woonsocket. This lady had a TV set in her bathroom (absurdly cool given the times) and I would park it in there for a good half-hour to catch the new ep while my older sister Stef took her piano lesson. I remember Ms. Believeau knocking on the bathroom door, wondering if I was OK considering how long I had occupied it. Come to think of it, I can probably track my habit of avoiding work responsibility AND my obsession with bathroom privacy to those Saturdays hiding from piano lessons. Seventeen years later, and I wonder why I can’t read sheet music.

Here’s my quick take on the other SBTB characters:

Zack Morris is probably the most powerful character in television history. He’s got looks, money, he can charm the panties off any girl at Bayside, and even though his incredible greed usually causes the dilemma per episode, he’s ALWAYS let off the hook. There was this one gigantic girl jock/tom-boy named Rhonda Robistelli who stalked and handled Zack with ease. I always loved her catch phrase “Hey Zackie!!” that she would bust out when tracking him down. Wouldn’t you know, Rhonda’s now a hot chick hosting a real estate show on TLC. Zackie should have cashed in on that.

Kirsten Kemp (AKA Rhonda Robistelli)

Albert Clifford or “AC” Slater is my favorite SBTB character. He’s one of the stronger actors out of the bunch (that’s not saying much) and his juggling of anger, charm, braun, and goofy panomine really glued the group together. Zack needed a male counterpart to balance the ensemble, and that little scrawny new jersey kid from GOOD MORNING MISS BLISS didn’t exactly cut it. Next time you watch an episode, be sure to catch AC’s subtle, yet goony expressions in the background - hilarious!

…Although there was something a little “off” about some of AC’s displays at The Max.

Screech Powers was freakin hysterical on the show, that is until he got stuck in that awkward growth spurt while everyone else turned incredibly hot. Poor Dustin Diamond is still haunted by being known as the white Urkel.

What kind of desperate woman has had sex with Dustin Diamond? Remember to keep her in your prayers tonight.

I can’t stand Lisa Turtle. She’s a sassy idiot with terrible fashion sense, despite the face she’s a rich mall diva. Everthing she ever talked about related to shopping, gossip and putting Screech down- what a biitch! Steveo and Griff think I’m insane for not being attracted to Lark Voorhies, but I think they’re delirious for not wanting Rhonda Robistelli. I think I win that battle.

And then we have Kelly Kapowski, the hottest female in television history. She’s the perfect “man’s” woman: honest, very agreeable, pleasing, soft spoken, always wants to do the right thing. You have to remember that the type of misogyny TV writers could get away with in the 80s and 90s is insurmountable compared to today’s standards (ah, the golden years of television). Seriously speaking, Zack did not deserve Kelly. I was always happy when she dumped Zack to test the field. Funny enough, when I was at TAG, two out of the three Kelly suitors (not Melvin Nerdsley) were clients. C’mon guys, I’m sure these days you could sign Nerdsley and complete the trifecta!

Kelly is TV’s equivalent of an LA 10. Trust me when I say there’s a difference between a 10 and an LA 10. 10 Girls in Boston are really LA 7’s- indeed a sound reference to rate by. Poor Wendy from Wonder Years isn’t even in the same rating system as Kapowski.

Lastly, we have Mr. Belding, the backboneless principal of Bayside High. It’s disturbing how easily manipulated Belding was by Zack and the kids. He just wanted to be cool and one of the gang, but the age gap and political status makes his desperate attempts to fit in mildly disturbing. Even his high-pitched laugh is suspect, then again I sort of uncontrollably laugh like that. That must make me an attention-groveling pervert too!

Yes, I am 25 and still obsessed with this show fifteen years after first airing. I really don’t think I’m alone in that though. I miss how ridiculous TV could get, and think that more people should spoof and cash in on the over saturated neo-sitcom style. Just like The N’s marketing slogan urges, “Embrace the Cheese!” I mean, how cool would a spoof/homage remake of Saved By The Bell be if it were conceived by David Lynch? Saved By The Bell meets Twin Peaks!!!

Well, my cheese comes to an end with these CQ bloopers, but rest assured I will recapture the classic sitcom style in future quirky, absurd projects.

Thanks for reading this rant, and hope you’ve enjoyed my project CLOSE QUARTERS!

Thanks,
The Real American Christo

OK, Hello. Sorry! Alright. Jesus, I said I’m sorry for not posting in like six days, get off my back already will ya!!

Look at those snappers, will ya!!

…If that’s not rude enough, today’s post will also lack a video of any sort. LIS-TEN I’m running out of oldieo videos- I still have a handful but I need to ration them as to not blow my preverbial load too soon. I might be a cheap date, but I surely ain’t no two-pump chump!

So first topic of discussion in our rad rant involves a documentary I saw over the weekend called THE KING OF KONG. We were bored on Saturday and decided to download it on Apple TV to see what all the hub-bubabuzz is about. If you haven’t heard of it, THE KING OF KONG is a documentary that follows a budding rivalry between the world’s two best gamers of the classic arcade game Donkey Kong.

I’ll give you a brief backstory:

In the dawn of the 70s and 80s arcade craze, one man emerged from the sea of laymen to dominate and capture the crown of best video gamer alive. This man was a teenage hand-eye coordinated phenom named Billy Mitchell (photogenically captured below circa 1982).

Back then, Billy held the world records for points in Pac-Man (first of five to get achieve a perfect game), Centepede, Burgertime, Donkey Kong, and Donkey Kong Jr. These days, the world has caught up to Billy in just about everything except for his super-human Donkey Kong skills, which is hailed as the all-time greatest world record to obtain. Billy is the icon for arcade gamers, and he definitely acts the part. Presently (as seen below), Billy is skinny with long hair, a beard and always dons an American flag tie at competitions to let the world know who’s #1!! What kind of asshole actually wears an American flag tie? (…that is, outside of entertaining website videos…)

The thing that really pisses me off about this guy is the enormous ego he hides behind his forced, messiah-like features. In fact, I’m positive Billy actually thinks he’s the reincarnation of Jesus. As if God finally returned Jesus to Earth in the 80s as a self-engrossed douchebag who will spend the next 25 years playing the same arcade game simply to remain #1 (maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t have Pac-Man in Jerusalem 2,000 years ago).

SO THE MOVIE - this guy named Steve Wiebe comes out of obscurity to challenge Billy’s all-time Donkey Kong score. Wiebe is a very talented guy, but has always come up just short from #1 status in every facet of life- sports, music, you name it, this guy always misses out or chokes on the big stage.

So Wiebe is your typical underdog trying to take down Billy the Goliath, and in the movie he does so twice, but Mitchell’s numerous cronies outside and inside the records system work hard to maintain Billy’s #1 status. I think Steve’s story really plucks at my heartstrings because in some way we’re connected - both talented and ambitious, but can never really see things through to the end. I was welling up at the part where he’s playing his original piano music to an audience solely comprised of his little brat kids and frumpy wife (Hello, 300 Christo conciertos later and my fanbase consists of Steve Landry and a bonsai tree). Wiebe’s a dreamer, but can never fully accomplish his goals. That is, until **SPOILER** he finally and officially takes down Billy’s score for a world-record high 1,049,100 points.

…But after watching the movie and reading up on their rivalry to date, Billy has recaptured the all-time high with 1,050,200 - nudging out poor Wiebe by a measily 1100 points, C’MON what’s with that bullshit!!

In summation, I was thoroughly entertained by this documentary, and though it was the best thing I’ve seen since THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

ON A related note - the next day, Nolan is looking up world-record scores on Twin Galaxies (the official scoring site) and he finds the speedrun high for Super Mario Bros. This record is considered 2nd greatest outside of Donkey Kong, and we find out that this 17 year-old kid-genius named Andrew Gardikis (from Quincy, MA might I add) holds the fastest time (using warps and straight) with 5:08!!! That’s just insanity. Nols looks down the list and 6th best time is 8:07, so he asks me what my fastest time ever is. I tell him I have no clue, but I think I can beat it in under 10 minutes for sure. So all my buds talk me into running a speed trial to see how far off I am. Mind you we just came in from hiking and already had a few drinks under our belt that fine lazy Sunday, so I was fairly exhausted and just out of it (aka not at my peak). My time with a few fixable errors was 8:15, and could have easily been about 7:50 had I not screwed up seconds from the end (waiting for that one fucking hammer brother to approach me!). I am pretty pumped I am that fast even without practice or anything, so now I’m on a quest to come close to Andrew’s record. I think running the course a number of times, I can get it under 6 minutes but not much closer than that. This kid’s world-record run is posted on youtube here (however it’s his unofficial 5:00 because of a few illegal moves, but still mind-boggling).

When I grow up, I want to achieve greatness like Andrew Gardikis…

So once I get close to that, I’ll post my best Super Mario speedrun on the RAC for your senseless viewing pleasure…

*_*_IN_*_*_OTHER_*_*_NEWS_*_*

Speaking of bloodshed and unrealized accomplishments, after shooting a scene with Big Daddy this past Sunday, I’ve officially decided to pull the plug on the endless pilot of THE SURVIVAL. We’ve shot 3 days and have a few scenes, all hilarious, but the problem is we can’t exactly find compatible time for the cast (*cough!* of two people *cough!*) to shoot. It was crazy, sort of funny, and a fun time acting opposite Chris and watching Kenny B turn into a damn fine little DP. The worst part like always is my untrained acting performance, but half the time we were drunk or something else so I guess I snuck a little method in there!

Here are a few stills from a pinnacle scene near the end:

This may look weird, but the build-up to this scene justifies me wearing a trashbag (love that runner!) and scooping fistfuls of dry cocoa.

Big Daddy does his best Kurtz (Brando) from Apocalypse Now as he readies an attack on BC to obtain a glass of water.

BDL and Brento battle in the sloppiest man-fight after the kitchen sink confrontation.

Now that THE SURVIVAL is over (before it began), I have to brainstorm some new videos I can do basically by myself - I’m open to any ridiculous suggestions, or maybe you’d rather me spare you the pain of producing anything in the future (probably the best choice)!

SO MY QUEST to find a job continues. I’ve been interviewing quite a bit lately, but the last few stinkers have started to sketch me out into thinking that maybe I will never find a non-suck ass place to work.

Not to EVER talk negatively about a former or prospective employer, but let me vaguely generalize the last interview I just went on to better illustrate:

I pulled up to a nice, family-sized house in some-suburb. Park the car, go behind the side of the guy’s house to find a shed/office. Knock on the little door, the guy briskly greets, then has me wait outside the shed on a little black metal foldout chair. The sunlight is blinding me and I’m about a foot away from a swingset. After a 7 minute wait, the applicant before me exits and we have an awkward exchange before this guy has me enter the back room of his shed/office. We’re sitting about a foot from each other in director chairs. He starts to grill me right away about the negatives in my resume, and I’m already tapdancing two minutes into it. We awkwardly exchange back and forth for the next few minutes. He asks if I grew up in Boston, I tell him 45 minutes south of the Bean in Bellingham, MA. He tells me that he grew up in the town my grandmother and her crazy family lives in, and in a fit to capture a morsel of common ground, I told him as such. He asks what street they live on, and for some reason I went blank uopn recalling, so I explain that she’s near the highschool and a convenience store. He asks for the surname of that side of the fam and I told him, which when thinking twice I’m not sure if the potential of this guy knowing of them is a good card to have during this interview.

Anyway, he went on about what the job is, what the company aspires for, then wrapped it up around 8 minutes in. I leave and immediately reflect on what that job fully involves and demands, and thought, well, that was a fantastic waste of gas. 100% lack of chemistry for the first time on an interview EVER.

At one point he asked me what I saw myself doing in the immediate future, and the first and only thing that popped in my head at the time was that I’d like to be the head writer for the Cafferty File blog on CNN, just to make Jack Cafferty read my hypocritical and contradictory questions so he looks like an idiot on air. I am fascinated by the combination of Wolf Blitzer and Cafferty on The Situation Room - it’s like they’re the sassy couple for baby boomers and older. Cafferty thinks he’s hip like a teenage girl with a blog, you can see his smug pride burrowed deep in the valleys of his wrinkles.

Move over Anderson you queen! It’s Cafferty-time.

I obviously couldn’t tell the shed guy that, so I tapdanced some more. But I can’t help but think that I’m just not cut out for another desk job when thoughts like that cloud my head during interviews. I am kinda fucked!

…oh what-everrr, I’ll be fine. Happy thoughts and that shit, right?

I’LL have to drink some metamucil so I can get regular with my future posts. Another oldieo video right around the corner (a goodie), and in the meantime I’ll bake-storm up some more video goodness for you to eat.

Rad rant - thx guys!
The Boston Rat

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Happy Good Friday to the religious type, and to everyone else, I hope you catch that fuckin Bunny and force him to divulge the coordinates of all those delicious cadbury eggs.

So today’s video is just a quick follow-up to the last goofy post: the bloopers from the REGULATOR(S) shoot. Not overly funny to anyone outside the cast really, but still good to see extra footage of Longino’s odd attempt to cry/relish victory with trashbag Kleinman. My favorite moment in this, even though it’s mistakenly repeated about 400 times, is when Kleiny sincerely pleads with Jay to stop slashing the knife at him. This vid is more of a “you must be really bored and want to spy like a voyeur on a bunch of misshaped college dudes in revealing gym shorts.” (…and if that’s the cup of tea you’re pourin, I’m a-drinkin!)

…Is it just me or does my arm in the above-freeze frame eerily resemble an $8 turkey drumstick you can only buy at Disneyworld’s Frontierland? That RAC body-type was during a time when the only thing I was lifting was a 12-pack of Miller Lite and assorted donuts (Cinnamon is the shit, don’t lie to yourself). One year before this video I was in the middle of taking andros and cut like no other. To spin perspective, I could bench approximately 290 lbs then when I now max out at 185 if I’m lucky. The problem with hard supplements like that is, once you stop taking them you kind of turn into the Michelin tire ghost. And that’s him up there wearing a doo-rag and giggling like Strawberry Shortcake.

…IN other news, last Saturday I attended the coolest live performance I’ve ever seen - The 90’s MTV sketch group THE STATE gathered for their first reunion in 11 years to perform one night only at The UCB theater. Admittance was only $10 each, but they sold out in about 3 minutes so it was a hard ticket to nab. We were in line about an hour and a half before the performance, and there was about 150 people behind us that didn’t get in. When waiting in line, all The State guys passed by to enter the theater. They’re all friendly dudes, and chatted up parts of the line on their way in. My favorite group member has always been and forever will be Ken Marino. Ken was about to walk right by us when I stopped him and wished him a good performance. He was fairly quiet and serious, but seemed like he wanted to chat with us for a second or two. Here’s a transcript of our run-in:

The RAC: “Hey Marino!”
Ken Marino: “Oh, hi guys.”
The RAC: “Hey listen Ken, have a good performance tonight, go get’em bud.”
Ken Marino: “Say, thanks. Uh, you guys here for the show?”
The RAC: “No.”

He looked confused, then shook Nols’s hand and took off. I probably shouldn’t have punked one of my comedy heroes like that, but that’s where the moment took my peanut-brain.

Anyway the SHOW was incredible!!! They performed about 10 sketches, and everyone was there except the two Michaels (Ian Black and Showalter) who contributed with a half-ass video sent from NYC. Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenny, Ben Garant, Joe Lo Truglio, Kevin Allison - all amazing and hysterical. But Marino…stole the friggin show, no lie! The two best sketches were the first and last with Ken as the figurepiece. The first was a spoof on the Founding Fathers drafting the Bill of Rights, with everyone acting the proper colonial part except Marino who perfectly executed as the loudmouth, spit-balling father persuading others to pass ridiculous amendments.

Marino begs Jefferson to agree on the penguin instead of the bald eagle as America’s bird. “Jeff,Jeff,Jeffy..Jefferson c’mon man! Nobody wants the bald eagle! You hear bald eagle and you think bald! Bald is a terrible friggin thing man!”

Kevin Allison reprised his State character of “Kookoo Coach” and delivered an impressive and wordy monologue. He addressed the audience as though they were a pathetic Varsity Football team with a slew of sweet, young male asses. He’s so good at the maniacal blood-boiling rant…

“Now I know you boys have never seen me before and I’m not your coach…”

Marino killed in the performance of the night when the group performed “Cookiepuss Mafia”. Everyone was in Soprano’s garb with Marino doing his best New Jersey mafia boss, Tony Soprano impression. They are about to make someone, and have all the ceremonial tools in place to do so, but the new crime member hasn’t shown up yet. They’re all waiting around and Marino explains that he bought a Cookiepuss ice cream cake from Carvel to eat AFTER they make the guy. So the entire sketch is centered around the delicious Cookiepuss and everyone getting too antsy to wait for the guy to show. Marino as the Skip has to gun down his underlings for stepping out of line when it comes to Cookiepuss. The picture below is of the only moment in the show when anyone broke- David Wain’s flailing makes Marino break character for a second, and the crowd jumped all over the delightfully real and humorous occasion.

“Hey uh Skip, so what exactly is a Cookiepuss supposed to be anyway?” (In the most put-out, and serious of tones) “He’s a magical cookie spaceman from the planet Birthday.”

I could go on forever about the show, but I’ll leave it at that. I recall staying up with my older sister Stef as we stole the remote from my sleeping dad to flick to the new State episode each week. I was exposed to the group at the perfect time in my comedy development, and credit them and MST3K as my two main influences growing up. I had the honor of representing Jo Lo Truglio when at The Agency Group, and every other time he called in I flooded him with questions about future State stuff. There’s a rumor that the UCB show and it’s content was a try-out for material for a State movie, upon which I will have a heart attack if they commit to.

Take a bow boys and Kerri, you deserve it.

A quick personal update on The RAC’s current LA situation:

- He is working hard with Ken and Big Daddy on the 25 minute pilot episode of THE SURVIVAL and will have it out as soon as possible.
- He is beyond broke, unemployed, and willing to work for food other than Ramen noodles (OH, sorry if they’re stinking up the joint my halitosis-riddled roommate!)
- He was on a great track until Ray.com vacation weekend. I don’t think he’s exactly recovered from that weekend yet.

Things The RAC is lacking:

- I’ll repeat, a job
- Money
- Focus in meditation
- General accomplishments

But besides that, things are swell.

…And on that down note, HAPPY EASTER!

Bye,
Brento